The Pulling Away Spouse Accommodates

Couple argue and are not happy with each other

You are perceived as the recalcitrant spouse, the uncooperative one and the bad person for not getting with the program.

You receive this message from others. And, you may believe that of yourself as well, at least to a disturbing degree.

You believe it is important therefore to swallow the not so nice words on the tip of your tongue or to capitulate and give in to the needs and requests of your spouse – to move close.

What ran through your mind during this video? Leave your thoughts below.

5 thoughts on “The Pulling Away Spouse Accommodates”

  1. The thoughts that ran through my mind when I was listening to your video were who, now, is the distancing spouse. It has always been my husband, but since his last lie it has switched to me. No big surprise, he is now pursuing me. He still can’t do what he says he wants to, but that’s his PA kicking in. He has been reading a lotof books on PA which is extremely good. He has seemed to be more sincere, but, once again, hard to trust that because of lack of consistent follow through. So, I’m not real clear as to which one of us is the dominant distancer at this point.

    I have been the one saying obsessively that the two of us need to work on our relationship/marriage. I understand the concept of resolution versus save the marriage. ‘Save the marriage’ is definitely a trigger for both of us now after so long at this. Resolution. I suppose it would be possible for the both of us to agree on an issue and move towards resolution. I’ll give it a try. Thanks

  2. My husband was on the Ashley Madison list last August when the site was hacked.
    As soon as he was ‘caught’, he has apologized, gone to counseling, and has made notable positive changes to promote trust.
    I definitely have been the distancing spouse. It’s been over a year now, and he has no tolerance for any more discussion about his cheating – unless, it’s about all the things I did wrong that caused our problems (according to him).
    So, I use charge neutral, and go into my own space away from him.
    It works for me, but I’m not sure it’s helping with resolution.
    I hate the line “working on my marriage”. I totally get the resolution vs work.

  3. In theory, this sounds reasonable and intelligent. However, it does not address reality-based issues that don’t have anything to with the love shared in the marriage, or circumstances that affect the marriage outside of the “resolution” you describe. Logistics often create strife, not always infidelity or boredom or lack of love. After 2 decades of marriage, one spouse may have different needs than the other. For instance, the spouse who has aging parents and wants to move closer to them, out of state. The other spouse can not relate, they have no similar experience. Push-pull-agony can sometimes be caused by outside legitimate reasons. Or finances. Perhaps there is NO resolution to those circumstances. What then?

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