One in a marriage is usually the chaser or pursuer, which is characteristic of a Yellow Marriage (see https://saveamarriageforever.com/ebook.htm for marriage problem advice pertaining to this specific type of marriage).
This is an extremely common phenomenon. My experience tells me that 80% of marriages suffer from this dilemma. Much of my coaching with marriages in crisis helps one stop the chasing cycle.
You focus on the other if you chase.
You believe that only if your spouse would change then life would be better.
This is the formula: If only you would______ then I would _____.
If only you would
- Be more loving
- Be more romantic
- Be more talkative
- Be more attentive
- Spend more time at home
- Be a better parent
- Help around the house
- Spend more time with me
- Be less controlling
- Be more aggressive
- Call me while at work
- Spend less time with friends, family, etc.
- Watch less tv or be on the computer less
- Etc.
You give away your personal power if you chase. You abdicate responsibility for your life to someone else. You see your spouse as powerful and you as helpless and/or weak, in terms of creating the life you desire. You continue to seek marriage problem advice without success.
Resentment and frustration accumulate and eventually you slide into a numbing funk or struggle to hide and hold the resentment that resides at the tip of your tongue and lives as a pit in your stomach.
You want to shift away from chasing to confronting.
Confronting does not mean spewing forth your venom or unhappiness.
Confronting your spouse means developing an awareness of your own personal power, which resides in your preferences, your values, your longings, your desires, your needs, your passion, your hopes and your fears AND being able to express those to your spouse without a tinge of resentment or frustration.
Once you shift your focus from what your spouse is not doing for or to you, your resentment, frustration and sense of helplessness fades.
Blog Topic: Marriage Problem Advice
5 thoughts on “Marriage Problem Advice – Shift #3: From Chasing to Confronting”
Boy am I stuck here….have been using your resources for 5 yrs or so. We still don’t talk despite my efforts to not be accusing or negative. He is always on the defensive. I am suffering from terrible clinical depression. I have been sick since January. I wish things could change. I made the decision to stay because my girls love their dad and grand kids are coming. How do I find hope?
I knew to never chase and I never have, to put it like I read somewhere, imagine that there is a rubber band around the 2 of you, if you stay close to your spouse there isn’t anything pulling them to you, but step away and it starts putting a pulling force on your spouse, pulling them to you, step away, it’s hard to do, but it’s really nessasary.
Focus your efforts and your attention elsewhere. at first you will have to force yourself to do it, but after a while it will come more naturally. Bring new activities, hobbies and people into your life, and find the activities and situations that give you pleasure and make you feel good. For example, take city walks, if you are not working take up volunteering, visit new places, join a hiking group, get a pet, make your own travel plans now and then. Use your energy and attention to improve your quality of life and to have new experiences, and blow yourself a kiss when you pass a mirror. you’re worth it.
It’s not your burden to make someone else talk, when they are resisting your efforts.
So its official were getting divorced and putting our forever dream home which we just bought 3 months and our first grandchild will be born after 36 years of marriage. I found out he was texting his ex girlfriend for the last 7 years . He swears their just old,old friends. He will turn 60 this year and has said thing’s to me like ive waisted the best years of his life and just be happy he loved me enough to buy this home with me even know he struggles with something else.
I focused on doing the responsible things and didn’t chase. He left with her.