Part 4 (Prior post: Men, Intimacy and Isolation)
Knowing the coping patterns of your spouse (as outlined in “7 Reasons Men have Difficulty Getting Close and Staying Close”) provides relief.
Often you as a spouse are too close to the relationship to see the overarching patterns of coping and behavior. You see the tree staring you in the face, but fail to see the background forest.
Such “closeness” or what I call emotional fusion results in feelings of despair, hopelessness, impotence and sometimes guilt.
It is freeing to realize that your spouse is a mortal human being bringing with him patterns he ingrained into his behavior and thinking long before he met you.
The onus for change is not on your shoulders. You did not cause this impasse. You alone are not responsible for “fixing it or him.”
You feel lighter. You feel freer. You feel empowered.
Read these comments from some who completed the exercise in “7 Reasons Men have Difficulty Getting close and Staying Close:”
Interesting read; made me happier this morning!
It’s helpful to read and discover how much we learn as children and use what we learn for the rest of our lives. I can see that now and it’s a relief to know that I didn’t do anything to make him cheat and this was something he brought with him when we got married.
I have already been able to identify many of our individual patterns. And you are right it is a good tool in recognizing what I am responsible for and what is all his. I also find that not trying to change him but altering my view of things is a tremendous help. Managing my stress and working toward my goals has been key in seeing him cope more positively.
