How Guilt Impacts Men and Intimacy

Couple In Trouble

Men and Intimacy – Part 2 (the prior post: Men and Intimacy)

A woman often feels a tinge guilt for the distance in the marriage.

Am I not enough? What’s wrong with me that he won’t come close? Of course, we all bring with us thoughts of inadequacy into your marital bed and marital dinner table.

A woman often feels a sense of responsibility for the distance.

What am I doing wrong? What can I do differently? How do I fix this? How do I get him to change? What am I missing? What new skill can I learn that will turn the corner? Etc.

I wrote “7 Reasons Men have Difficulty Getting Close and Staying Close” to address this issue of men and intimacy for women.

Once you develop an awareness of your spouse’s long term coping pattern, your guilt eases and you refuse to accept responsibility for a problem you cannot fix.

Here are some responses to the Free Report relating to men and intimacy:

Different patterns of behaviors are listed with concise clarity. I am able to clearly identify my ex-husband’s traits. It’s reassuring for someone else to say: the problem is not me but arose before we even met at the point of his family of origin.

Helpful in a way that I discovered it’s not only my fault why we have problems in our marriage.

Always when you suggest to ‘give oneself some slack’ i.e. that it’s not me that is at fault. I realize my contributions to the problems in my marriage, but the relief i have gotten from you regarding that one thing has given me a tremendous amount of peace. It helps for me anyway, to know what ‘category’ (hate that!, but lack a better way to put it.) is in, and i can see where and what i can do in my relating to him that may help. (He’s in the ‘incompetent’ “category”. something i never would have said about him as he exhibits such outward confidence. But i am beginning to learn that i have been misled by that. My outwardly confident, strong man is really scared, weak and unsure. I can encourage him to work on that and I can also shift our shared responsibilities to take on more so that he doesn’t feel so overwhelmed.

The reminder that his behaviors are, in fact, his — not caused by me. The necessity of being able to step back and try to look objectively at behavior patterns.

Blog Topic: Men and Intimacy

5 thoughts on “How Guilt Impacts Men and Intimacy”

  1. I completely agree to the above comment. Your report has given me a new horizon to accept and acknowledge myself for my all efforts put in my marriage. Otherwise, I used to feel myself being guilty all the time.

  2. I am beginning to see that his anger is directed at me because he feels guilty for his choices…HE blames ME for how HIS choices to cheat hurt me and my pain make him feel bad and so he blames ME for the pain HE caused me making him feel badly!

    This is pretty much what I observe in him and finally began to see this pattern mostly when he wants to go out and have fun …taking a vacation by himself while not providing time or a vacation for me or our family …It is like he is irratated that he has to feel badly …even when he is encouraged to go have a good time…HIS GUILT makes him resent this ‘freedom’ because he knows he is selfish .

    His lifelong choices to do for himself ..especially in terms of ignoring his family while planning trips and recreation away from us …and not planning anything for us to enjoy together goes back a long way in our life together..I used to encourage him to go with a smile because I could not go …he often made plans and THEN came and asked me if I minded! I was taught to be sure my husband got his recreation since his work was so stressful and I wanted him to make sure he destressed…but after a while it was clear he had no thought of me or our children

    His life has been all about his choiices and his fun ….he now feels even MORE guilt because he still wants that kind of life even though NOW he has been found out in terms of his adultery …He was not any more thoughtful of the OW either OR the children that she begged him to give her …

    He is one selfish self centered man with the power and money to keep himself in the position of power and control over all of us ….He gets angry if called upon to share information.

    I found out after our 26th anniversary that he had his bank account still in his name only ..yes I trusted him …he was GOOD at keeping his personae going and I did not have a lot of knowledge about finance …HE is REALLY GOOD at managing his own reality and apparently everyone elses!

    1. Brian Persinger

      No one can control you, it sounds like the money controls you. Sorry, but I had to say it. My sister in law is the same way, she stays for the money, now that’s a shallow person.

  3. I have to keep reminding myself my H really wants to be close – “incompetent” is a good word to remember instead of “malicious” – lol! The other day, I mentioned something about our relationship in a respectful way and he said “If you keep bringing [the topic] up, how am I supposed to get over my shame!” His pattern has always been and always will be “avoidance”. He promises to learn, read, reflect about his lifelong infidelities, but never quite gets around to it. I am stuck with the dilemma to give it up or nag. Or leave. He is no longer unfaithful, and no longer overtly verbally abusive, and does try in his own inept way. This is certainly not the marriage I envisioned 41 years ago.

  4. carollynn
    sounds like your spouse does not like truth. his avoidness does not help him or you. ask him why he is so defensive. how does truth hindered him on avoiding conversation instead of learning and helping others to avoid the pitfalls.
    it sounds more like he wants to control your words with a wet blanket approach.

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