Marriage and Self Worth

Woman looks out the window. Real people series.

I had a rather strange phone conversation with one of my “readers” a couple days ago. If not strange it was at least different; the first of its kind.

The woman said she didn’t want my materials because it was more like a workbook and she just wanted to read.

I didn’t ask many questions, since she seemed well entrenched in her position.

But, it led me to think: What was underneath this comment? And, what can I take away from her comment?

My mind began to ferret out her possible undercurrents:

    • I want something that makes me feel good, but I don’t want to think too much. You know, entertaining stories that give me a temporary escape or perhaps bury my pain for a while.
    • Is she saying: I work in my head? I like abstractions? I don’t want to apply those concepts to my feelings, actions or thoughts?
    • Is self reflection something she wants to avoid? Perhaps she does not want to connect the dots of her patterns, her thoughts or her ways of relating?
    • Perhaps she is scared stiff of personal reflection, of what she might uncover about herself (assuming it will be awful?)
    • Perhaps she doesn’t want to move beyond the familiar of her life, even though it may be limiting or downright painful.
    • Perhaps she doesn’t want to make a personal emotional investment in her life or relationships? Does she want to hold back?
    • Maybe something else?

Now, you see I can identify with this part of her.

A part of me wants to read and read and read, consume every abstraction and good story in the universe.

And, I’ve done that. I’ve devoted a great part of my life to “head learning.” I actually wrote a long dissertation on Marriage and Family Systems theory that won the approval of other “head-learning” experts.

My library was lined with books with weird and academic sounding titles.

But those days are past.

I confess that I haven’t read such a book in over 8 years.

And, I was intentional in that decision. I needed to make a shift.

This has been a radical and sometimes lonely shift for me.

But a necessary shift.

I have turned inward. I self reflect. I listen to what I’m saying to myself. (We have been programmed to believe that such “talking to self” is Cyril like and could be an indication of some sort of disorder.)

I allow the remembered experiences working with thousands over the years as a therapist to formulate within me the essence of relationship laws and speak those laws and patterns in ways that seem understandable and promote good action, healing and health.

I utterly trust and enjoy this process.

My inner life is becoming the source of my power, my inspiration, my hope, my purpose for the next 5-10 years and leads me to an ever appreciative attitude of who I am and what I have been given.

I enjoy myself now, more than ever, and that will continue to grow and mushroom.

It hasn’t always been easy. Personal and professional pain, discouragement and challenges have propelled me to make rather radical shifts in my life.

I’m not a hero. I’ve kicked, screamed, swore, became passive, sarcastic and bitter when these personal and relational crisis slammed me.

But, such moments also have been my salvation for during those times, something in or around me led to self reflection – led me to me.

I observe that most of you are scared to death of what you might “uncover” about your self if you become reflective.
You want to focus on the other. You want your spouse or partner to make it better, to change and to take away your pain and suffering.

You want abstractions. You want a pill. You want an answer. You want a magic wand. You want pixie dust that will make it all go away.

I can identify.

You default to this position because deep down, within the center of your being you believe or think that you have nothing to offer, don’t know what YOU can offer, or are afraid you will encounter a terribly inadequate tormented soul.

The internal dialogue is automatic and you pay little attention to it; other than to wish it or push it away.
Channels of perceived pain, of lost hope, of rejection and fear run like a raging river through you, seemingly beyond your control.

And, so you fear self reflection. You just want to read.

You collect a library of interesting books and concepts but they don’t touch you.

What would a radical change, propelled by the relationship crisis in your life, look like for you?

It might not be as bad for you as you think.

Instead of fearing your power, believing it is for destruction, you may find YOUR power which gives life as you welcome your decency and goodness.

Now, remember this is a radical shift because most of the world around you wants and needs you to believe that you are lacking, need them and are in a one down position.

They haven’t made the radical shift to authentic and powerful self reflection that grounds their life and gives them peace and purpose and an even footing with everyone else.

So, be easy on yourself as you progress. See this as a journey; a journey that, in reality, never ends.
See this shift as the most exciting, joy-filled journey on which you will ever embark.
Join with me.

Begin to explore every nook and cranny of you and discover the value of your life, the love and joy you potentially can send to others, your creativity that creates the unique, your humor, and your unique way of seeing others and the world.

You are waiting for this.

You partner also waits for this.

5 thoughts on “Marriage and Self Worth”

  1. I agree with you. From the beginning of my life I have always listened to what I think, questioned whether or not it was true and have analyzed it all. That came from being told I made everything up which just recently I have allowed myself to know that I was sexually abused by my father as a child. I already knew of the two other rapes I endured, but that one was buried deep because I was so young and I was finally able to understand why my Mother always told me everything I ever said I had made up. She was covering up for whatever I said or asked of her about my abuse.

    After my H’s affair all that trust in my thinking went right out of my head and heart and I began my research. I wanted someone to tell me how I was supposed to feel, think and be. I had lost my trust in my intuition.

    After 4 years of doing nothing but reading other therapist’s and other people’s opinions as to what was the right way or wrong way to be, think and react, I started to compare opinions and then I started to disagree with a lot of what they said. Slowly my own rational thought process returned.

    For me it wasn’t fear of knowing, it was total lack of trust in what I knew to be true of my life which turned out to be completely false.

    Last night I went into my Kindle to find something benign to read and literally there was not one book that wasn’t related to affairs, relationships, men, women, sex, psychology, trauma, psychopathy, narcissism or passive/aggressive behaviors. I believe this wanting to read a novel is the beginning of my acceptance that I can’t change what has happened and I can’t change anyone but myself. And I’ve read it all so now would be the time to start seriously implementing all the knowledge I’ve accumulated and also to give up any hope that my H will be joining me in this endeavor which was my other hangup.

    Your book is essential to do the digging into ones own mind and it’s so important to regain the trust of your own thoughts. At the least we all need to know what we think. By doing your exercises there’s no way to not get to the bottom of who you are and what you think about all of it and everyone involved. Thank you for that.

  2. Well Doc…as usual your spot on……and your points are as valid as can be expressed ….but just like there is a pursuer and a distancer as you say…there is the advise and the listener…..sometimes people don’t want to hear the truth….nor become receptive to new concepts when they’ve been living the old one so long they are conditioned …..There is a new book out by the actress Grey….Titled…the road to happiness is always under construction…ha….some people prefer to stay home……the deal with it…..LOL……anyway your like a pearl in the deepest abyss….I bought your series in my second divorce it helped a lot….(were still friends) but know after 5 years and a new relationship that just crashed..Im back to square one…..I know sone of the issues are hers…but that don’t make it any better..Im getting to old for this revolving drama…..and doing a lot of self reflection and meta cognition……she won’t speak to me and there leftover feelings and misconceptions etc etc…but without communication….resolution seems hopeless…..so Im working on me….slowly but surely……peace

  3. Maybe she only wanted to read because that’s her way of exploring her feelings. It’s like asking someone to “draw a picture” of what their marriage looks like. Artists will get right to work on the image but those born without those artist abilities may prefer to look at a lot of already drawn pictures and lacking the ability to draw select an already drawn image that most likely reflects them. It’s just a thought…

  4. For me, I am 63 years old married 45 years all I want is to retire and people tell me I have to make decisions well, that was not in my plan at 63. He got the fantasy, and I have to analyze myself only makes me crazy. I can not read because my attention span is gone so I look for a book to listen to. Several were very good and I want him to listen to them but he is not interested. Things will not change until the burden is taken from the person that did nothing wrong. He told me 12-23-2019 while I was preparing Christmas dinner for 13 people. The last time that I know of was with my sister in 1977. I am just too old to do this while he just does not want to get it. He just want it all over which I find selfish. Never in a million years did I think this would happen again I am so gullible.

  5. I relate too – I found out my husband committed adultery on 24 December 2020 and with a woman 7 years older than him. I found out by accidentally knocking a letter from his w——e telling him how much she loves him – yes she is now 89 and is still in our lives. They have no affair going on that I know of, but he doesn’t understand that every time I see her, I see them together in bed. I see him taking her to a beach two and three days a week while I was working, then coming home and pretending he was working all day. I still think that he is a pathological liar but he says he loves me. Is that love? I think not – and the only reason I am not getting a divorce is that I can’t afford it. So here I live in an unhappy marriage, not even wanting him to touch me.

    I have tried digging deep, but somehow, I don’t get anywhere, maybe I am afraid of what I’ll find? I know that adultery is not always a one sided action, but he won’t even tell me what I did wrong so that I can make any effort to change. How does one deal with that, and how can I become more able to self analyze?

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