Marriage and Chemistry

Silhouette of a young couple kissing at the beach with the sun setting behind them

“Chemistry” creates Warm Magic Moments

What is “Chemistry?”

I really don’t know. And, not knowing is what makes “chemistry,” chemistry.

Chemistry is an attraction, a powerful attraction. It’s just there.

You walk into a room of 100 people and you may be “drawn” to a particular person. There is an attraction that defies reason.

The psychology community has attempted to explain this phenomenon using concepts such as archetypes; or more recently some suggest a couple may experience a magnetic presence because they are “soul mates.” As well, “chemistry” is often equated with a strong sexual component.

Chemistry may be a part of romance, but perhaps not.

Romance is built upon mirroring back and forth to one another an idealized image. Chemistry, I believe, runs much deeper.

Romance is temporary. It dies and fades as the humanity of each is encountered.

Chemistry continues.

Chemistry is that abiding deep connection, which is present even in the difficult times and becomes more powerful as heart-to-heart disclosure takes place.

Chemistry can be developed and deepened as a couple matures. The more you disclose to your spouse about you, the greater the potential for chemistry. The more your spouse discloses to you about his/her uniqueness, the greater the power of lasting chemistry provided it accompanies acceptance and gratitude for differences.

Regardless of how this can be qualified, Warm Magic Moments thrives in an environment that exudes “chemistry.”

Check out these markers of chemistry:

  • I am so connected with my spouse that I can often feel his/her presence.
  • I have listened to my spouse so well that I often know what s/he is thinking.
  • My spouse knows me intimately, sometimes even better than I know myself.
  • We are perfect for each other right now; I am growing as a person in this marriage.
  • We are constantly doing what we want and are present to what we are doing.
  • We befriend change and evolve together; our fear of the unknown does not hold us back.
  • I inform my spouse how to bring out the best in me; I get what I need and more.
  • Sometimes I am overwhelmed by gratitude, love, or admiration — and I express it.
  • We fill our lives with symbols of love, shared communication and traditions/rituals which enhance our connection.
  • I pay attention to details that are important to my spouse; I give great gifts.
  • We invite serendipity and synchronicity; we notice and appreciate fortunate coincidences.

Now, here’s what I want you to do.

Copy this list. Print it out and take it with you. Spend two days reading it periodically. Paste it on your fridge. Make it desktop on your computer. Tape it to your mirror. Keep it in front of you, just for two days. Think about the list. Reflect on the list. Allow the list to sink deeply in to you.

Then, put it aside for a week.

Come back to the list a week later and see what sifts have taken place in your mind or in your relationship. Describe how the list has impacted you and your marriage. What did you do differently? What new attitudes do you now possess? What mental breakthroughs did you make, if any?

If you are separated, divorced and/or single, feel free to use this exercise targeting any relationship of significant emotional investment.

9 thoughts on “Marriage and Chemistry”

  1. Wow- my spouse and I do not have a single thing on that list going for us, and we haven’t for a very long time. It’s hard to imagine things improving much. Thanks though, for a window into what might be possible under other circumstances. It is some kind of food for thought.

    1. Compatibility is the perfect alignment of one’s abilities and strengths with another individual (in marriage, favourably, an opposite sex). This can also means the equality of qualities. On the other hand, Chemistry is the attraction of one’s feelings or emotions towards a particular individual.

    1. @roger. I think it is suppose to be with you. If that is the case maybe you don’t have the chemistry you had. So bring it back and make it better. If that is a choice. The guidelines he suggested are great starters and/or refreshers for relationship. I’ve been on your side and still struggling with the affair of my spouse. I ask myself everyday is it worth saving if my spouse and me really don’t have chemistry and he did or does with someone else. Many chances given and although he tells me he is not in contact with the affair partner I believe otherwise. I check his phone records. But he knows that so I believe now he calls from work or a burner number. Need to step up and not be on the rejected list when convienient.

  2. Sylvia Stratford

    I felt the entire list until the moment my partner had to disclose his affair to me. So I had to admit that my feelings were illusions created by my romantic mind. We still can love people be kind to our partners without this dangerous illusions!

  3. Sylvia, I’m not an expert, but from what i understand, this feeling of chemistry does not necessarily have to be reciprocated. I’m certain that your feelings of chemistry were/are genuine and not illusions of your mind. Often times people feel a chemistry to others they don’t know. It’s a feeling that you have inside you. The fact that you ‘feel’, is a gift, and it’s better to feel and potentially experience pain, than not be able to feel at all! Think about that for a bit.

    I’m very sorry that your husband had an affair, as this can be the most painful event of one’s life. Hope you both can heal

  4. My spouse has never been connected to me in any of the ways described. This has always been a point of contention in the marriage. However, it appears he did have these things with the OW. All the things I wanted to hear from him, he said to her. I guess she is his person.

  5. I can tell you as a man that sometimes I believe women think we don’t hurt, feel pain, that somehow we are monsters. I had all this with my wife loved her, chemistry, oh yes from the first day I saw her. I was 16 and I married her and believed we was soul mates.I figured we was the perfect couple. Skip 30 some years I contract a virus and start getting sick off and on. In and out of hospitable then the news I’m not in good shape doctor tells me I have less than 24 hours to live I;m 46 years old. Well I lived till morning was transferred to a ICU in a major hospitable for my heart almost died there, well anyways only5% of my heart was working. I lived walked out two weeks later with 27% of my heart working and told I could drop over anytime, I live day by day thanking each day I have. Now here comes the death blow my wife informs me that she has had affair and wants to come clean. i was shocked, hurt and then to find out with one of my best friends that I trusted. I was crushed what is happening? But no where not finished plus she chested on me with 3 other men in the span of are 30 year marriage. My best man in my wedding, With her cousins husband and a ex boyfriend before me.How could this be happening to me. My whole life was fake and now I’m dying of heart failure anytime, I still love my wife and she is sorry she says but how do I even go on, what do I say to what life has dealt me.So think of me when you think you have it bad and be happy you get to live and move forward, I live in limbo wondering if I will wake up the next day be happy you can feel sad I will take it for just ten more years. thank you

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