Should you really start thinking about when to divorce when your partner says that he or she has “fallen out of love” with you?
This is the second part in my series of blog posts on the commonly used phrase “I love you but am not in love with You,” which will focus on what your partner really means when he or she says that phrase, and when to divorce.
There is no word more misunderstood, abused and thrown around lightly and in the wrong context, than the word love.
“Falling in and out of love” is a catch phrase that stirs emotions, images and ill defined ideas. You think about the word “love” and what you think may be extremely different from the person sitting next to you.
You talk about love, but your communication is lacking since the phrase can refer to almost anything a person imagines when thinking of that process.
You think it’s the end. You think it’s time for you to start planning when to divorce.
You may think “I love you but am not in love with you” is a death knell for the marriage. It certainly may feel like it. But does that phrase really mean that you should start thinking about when to divorce?
My experience with a lot of different couples in different situations tells me that most spouses, when planning to leave a marriage, do not go to the trouble of confronting their spouse with the “I love you but am not in love with you” mantra. They are gone. Period. No meaningful communication. Just the slamming of the marital door.
“I love you but am not in love with you” most likely is an attempt to generate some sort of meaningful conversation, and not at all a way to introduce the thought of when to divorce in your head. Even in an affair that is in full blown starry-eyed progress, your cheating spouse at one level knows that the affair relationship has a slim to none chance of working. The “I love you but am not in love with you” is a connection; perhaps much stronger than you imagine.
Or, “I love you but am not in love with you” may denote a transition or significant change in your marriage and/or the life of your spouse. You are on the edge of something and he or she knows it, although may have extreme difficulty describing it accurately.
So before you start to think about what the best or right time when to divorce is, make sure you know what your partner’s purpose is in telling you the phrase “I love you but I am not in love with you.”
12 thoughts on “When to Divorce: What’s Love Got to Do with It?”
I completely agree to confronting the spouse. But what if the spouse does not talk about it at all. And always throws back the confrontation at me? What if he is not at all willing to discuss any issues, by saying “I don’t want to talk about this” and shifting the direction of confrontation? And after the episode of confrontation, a looooooooooong and deeeeeeeeep silence follows. Which is a mental torture! As if a punishment given to me for confrontation.
My wife is moving our friday, taking our 3 year old and moving in with her bf. I got the I love but I’m not in love with you talk, I found out about the affair 1 month ago and have been trying to reconcile. She will not tell me why she did this, just says she’s been frustrated for awhile. She’s I love with him, and has never felt like this before….I don’t know what to do except take care of me and my daughter as best I can.
I am in the same position as Anita with my husband absolutely refusing to talk about anything. He has been having an affair for just over 5 years and is hooked on the other woman, paying for all her household repairs and anything else he can. He lies constantly even though he knows that I am aware he is lying. If he really wanted to leave he could have gone a long time ago although I am sure he is waiting for the OW’s divorce to come through before he moves in with her which is why he is paying for her house repairs. What really hurts is he has made sure he has got to know her children (16 and 22), saying when he is gone he won’t care what happens to our daughter (also 22). I have come so close to starting a divorce several times but always pull back, but something needs to give as I am losing my mind.
I’m going thru a similar situation, my husband and I are living with his friend whom is a female a single one with 2 kids and we just list our children to social services 2 yrs ago, we argue all the time he lies about haveingva phone sneaks around leaves without telling me, gives her mineyvtaies care if her I’m sure there sleeping together along with a few other girls GE lies and says he has a job but I can’t never talk to him when i call his job.. No one will tell ke the truth I don’t know anyone in this town and he knows everyone, I have no income never worked always depended on him I have no fam8ly and no friends nowhere to go and I have to leave Saturday and he still denies everything, ur keeps blaming me.. He ignores me when I try to talk about it or changes the subject he’s happy thru the day I’m always cry8ng or isolating myself
.im miserable shocked and scared
My husband has said this. As far as I know he is still with ow. I found out he is trying to buy a house behind my back. I also found out that he has been taking money from 401k and bought an old car and renting a garage and hiding it from me. He hides the his whole life from me. He has a p.o. box for all his mail, and I have no access to any money. He has no remorse and blames for everything.
Love your title! No more fool! I like to say “enough is enough”. It is difficult to do it but we just have to do it and show that any mistake will have consequences. Hope thing will get better with you and your children (if you have any).
My spouse after a heated conversation said, “are you going to leave me?” I told her of the things I knew and she would only say yea, yea. Next morning she denied admitting to anything. She know says nothing happened and I saw what happened. Each and every hour of every day that is all I can think about. She is cold to me and it has been almost 2 years. She shows now emotions toward me and even though I ave told her, I am truly in love with you but I do not hear anything in reply. It is sad but I only wait for my Savior to call me home.
Sam,
I sense your pain and wanting to give up. Your life is valuable. Our lives are all valuable ! The pain of rejection, pain knowing the truth, the pain of trying to understand and being understood. As our spouse’s were put us through hell they would cover it up with greeting cards that say “I love you” We want to believe but it is hard when they do not remove the mask of deception. It was their selfish choices to destroy us.
Be strong!
I didn’t get the ILBINILWY speech. I got the slamming of the marital door with no valid excuse. A month later I found out he had a ONS and then he dropped his whole life to pursue her. After a month, his new “relationship” didn’t work out and he was (all of a sudden) willing to work on the marriage. That’s when he told me the truth…that he had an affair. Be he maintained that he thought the marriage was done. That he had the affair because the marriage was done, not that the affair ended the marriage. I agreed to try and work on things and have been riding the emotional roller coaster ever since. Not sure what to do with this article. Have I made the wrong decision?
Bev don’t know how you are making out but I did the same thing. Took him back and then 11years later he left me for her again. They had s daughter together we already had two beautiful children he walked out and moved in with them . Now T 54 I have no savings. Struggle to get a job , no homemeanwhile he had s nice house goes on trips. Think twice. Get good counseling save money just on case so hard
Who cares if they do love us? Or don’t? Who wants the broken love from a cheater? Just saying…
Cheating is cause for expulsion from all higher learning facilities.
Cheaters want the easy route, not the educational route.
Emotional relationships are a type of game/dance.
Playing games with cheaters is not fun, at best.
Stop playing with them.
In many places adultery is a criminal act. Therefore by definition adultery is the act of a sociopath.
Intimacy with a sociopath is not possible.
Marriage is legally, a joint venture partnership. Three people is not a partnership. More than two is a corporation, with a board of directors and mandatory meetings of all board members.
Sharing the labor of the joint venture partnership unilaterally is Fraud and conversion (theft).
Fraud is a criminal act. Therefore by definition adultery and fraud are the actions of a sociopath. Sociopaths can’t love you.
Stop loving a sociopath. Stop being a victim.