The Intent of the “Cold” Spouse

Woman sulking while her boyfriend is explaining himself during a

You are not trying to be bad, stubborn, passive or whatever.

You are merely trying to control your feelings and your thoughts. You are doing the best you can considering the coping mechanisms you bring, your situation and a number of other factors.

You don’t truly want to feel responsible for hurting someone. You don’t want pain. You don’t want to fight. You don’t want the distance.

Leave your comments below. What did you learn from this video?

7 thoughts on “The Intent of the “Cold” Spouse”

  1. We are separated after my husband had an emotional affair. He has been gone for 7 months with only an occasional email about lawyers and such. He filed for divorce 2 weeks after he left. I have seen him in the presence of lawyers once and then in the presence of a real estate appraiser. My lawyer said she had never seen anyone so “emotionally detached”.
    My husband emailed me out of the blue 2 weeks ago and wants to try again. We have seen each other for about an hour since then. It was very awkward. We have tried the emailing route hoping that would get both of us to open up about every issue we could think of. Unfortunately, now, what I am hearing is that I am the one who was emotionally unavailable all these years. I think the same of him. I was left by my husband when I was pregnant after 12 years of marriage. I know it left me with scars. He was left by his wife of 3 years. I know he has some scars but he refuses to think in those terms. Now I am beginning to think there might be no chance to salvage a marriage that he wants and I want. I just don’t know how to get there.

    1. Hi Gail,
      I’m not an expert but it could be a good idea to leave the blaming game aside and try to find a way to go forward. By trying to find who’s fault it was and pointing fingers, you two will just stay in the same state… Pain and frustration.
      Instead, looking for the problem and trying to find a solution with or without your husband would be a good start. For sure it will be awkward, it’s normal after everything you’ve been through, but keep talking to one another, try to understand each other about the why you were both hurt and felt left out…
      You once loved one another… Remember those moments!

      Hope you the best! And don’t give up!

  2. Gail, I too think you need to put the blame aside and try to concentrate on how to move forward. Yes, I think it will be weird at times but you might even be able to make light about the weirdness. I just found out my husband of 20 years has been having an affair for 2 years and claims to be in love but then tells me he wants to work things out. I have been dealing with this back and forth for 1 year and we have never really tried working on us. I think it may be worth while to go to some sort of class on how to communicate properly because if he feels like you are emotionally unavailable and you think that of him, it may come down to both of you not being able to convey your feelings properly which I understand is extremely common. If this is something you both want, you need to explore how to make it work and give it your all. Good luck!

  3. Because the woman to whom I had given my love and full trust to continues to think only in the terms of what she needs or wants, I am reluctant to re-engage. After 24 years of marriage, I discovered the 9 month long emotional internet affair she had been having. I have been the pursuer for the last 7 months, but recently have backed out of the relationship And I note the reversal of our previous pursuer/distancer roles. I don’t think I can trust her ever again as she has played me for so long. I no longer trust my perception of reality … how could I have been so wrong, what else do I have wrong?

  4. I don’t believe my husband is a bad person, but I still feel distance between us. I am still trying to understand why.

  5. My wife is trying and I can see she has love for me but her actions leave me wondering so many things. Why do I feel like I’m doing all the pursuing? Why isn’t she following up on what she says? Maybe time to back off a bit.

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