Why “Working on Your Marriage” Will Actually KILL Your Marriage

Young Couple Quarreling

The First Radical Unconventional Mind Twisting Step to EASY LOVE …Stop Trying to Fix Your Marriage

Don’t dive in!

If your marriage is in shambles, broken and and you are emotionally falling apart, don’t… please don’t… jump in and try to fix it.

No date nights. No plans for a romantic getaway. No plea for counseling. No, “Let’s sit down and talk about this.” No trying to meet your other’s needs. No ultimatums. No becoming a chameleon to what you think your other wants. No outbursts. No drama. No attempts at calm rational persuasion. No stone silence. No guilt trips. No new trick you just learned online to get “more” from your other.

None of that.

Your best laid plans and most conventional strategies won’t work!

As a matter of fact, they will backfire and make your situation worse.


What you are Taught about Fixing a Marriage is All Wrong

Because you are too tense. Your anxiety controls.

And, when you are tense, your best intentions, backed perhaps by seemingly solid and traditional advice, will blow up in your face.

You don’t get this. You are not taught this. You are taught and encouraged to jump in and fix it.

The Number 1 Marriage Killer

I recently asked my readers to respond to a survey and in one word answer the question: “What, in your opinion, is the number 1 factor that kills a marriage?”

marriage killers

I received hundreds of responses, but for the sake of brevity, present only the first few on this chart.

Scan the chart. Which word would you use to describe the #1 marriage killer?

When I posed my question, I had MY one word in mind.

It didn’t surprise me that My word was NOT on that list of the first 210 responses was not on that list.

My work with literally thousands of couples since 1981 has lead me to drastically different conclusions about what works and what heals a marriage.

MY word was TENSION or anxiety and its close cousin, worry.

A couple people on the chart mentioned fear, which comes close, since fear is the root of tension and worry. I will touch on that later when we look at fear factors that rip a marriage and operate within the context of traditional martial self help methods.

Tension Makes You, Your Efforts and Your Marriage Ugly

Have you ever been around a tense anxious person?

Of course you have. Remember that experience?

Being around a tense and anxious person is not a pretty picture. You quickly pick up on the tension, feel it spreading into your cells, and find yourself defending, explaining, frustrated, on edge or just plain walk away.

And if you are in the midst of a marital crisis that is rocking your soul, it must be obvious to you that you ARE tense. You worry. You are afraid. You may find it difficult to stop the catastrophic and negative thoughts. You easily become an emotional basket case when your world of love and family is threatened.

Tension = Recycling Marital Garbage

Your automatic response to your tension and your partner’s automatic response to your tension set up cyclical patterns: you continue to recycle your marital garbage.

There is no space in the tension. There is no calm either in you, your spouse or the marriage.

You cannot love when you are tense. You cannot accept and trust love when you worry and are racked with anxiety.

You fear moving close when you are tense. You fear moving away when you are tense.

Love and loving falls far short of your dreams and hopes for your marriage or relationship.

True and Lasting Love is EASY

Loving and being loved should be easy.

True love is EASY. There is a flow with a Love that is EASY. This love just happens. This love emerges from seeming nowhere. This love is effortless. This love is a gift.

This love you can have.

But, you cannot have it; it is beyond your reach when you dive in with your tension laden and fearful soul to fix it and capture it.

You cannot make love happen. You cannot make your partner love you.

Love just is.

Welcome a Loosey Goosey You and a New True Love

Such love is found when particular conditions are present.

To move toward those conditions you first must warm up and create the environment in which your tension diminishes.

You must cultivate those conditions in which you find yourself “loosey goosey.”

Loosey Goosey means you are relaxed. You accept. You are ready for each moment. You embrace each moment, learning from it and valuing its offering.

The effort, the “working on it” the trying to fix it and make it happen fade.

The Marriage Warm Up

Warm up.

Athletes are taught to warm up prior to competition.

You warm up before you work out or run or engage in physical exercise.

Singers warm up their voices.

Musicians warm up their muscles and tune their instruments.

And, so you warm up, relax and enter that state of Loosey Goosey in which the tightness of your tension and worry evaporates.

Then, the intimacy, understanding, communication and connection flows with greater power, passion and ease.

Relax? When this is happening. How????

OK. Fine, you say. But, how in the world does this happen? Tell myself to relax and chill? Fat chance!

I’ve created a number of solid resources that help you “Warm up,” lower your tension and worry and create the environment for the EASY LOVE Laws to flow with their power.

I realize this movement from tension to ease is a fairly large shift.

Sub Programs to Shift to a Loosey Goosey You and Hope for Your Marriage

And, so I’ve created a number of sub programs to guide you through this process.

Each program focuses on a specific condition that creates a fertile ground for you to shift from the terror of your tension to a relaxed acceptance of your good and the good of the marriage or relationship.

Keep in touch for updates!

16 thoughts on “Why “Working on Your Marriage” Will Actually KILL Your Marriage”

  1. Unfortunately, although I have been doing this ‘Loosey Goosey’ thing for quite a while now, my husband is as cold as ever. If he hugs me it’s because I fell in the garden, because my mum and dad passed away, because he feels the situation begs a hug/kiss. But the hug is not a real hug because you could drive a truck through the space between us. He moves out of the way or tries to disappear through a wall when we happen to pass in a narrow place. I haven’t given up but I know he will be moving in with the OW within the next year. And that makes it even harder for me. I’ve told him to leave but it doesn’t suit him – he will use people until he has no further use for them. He has psychopathic tendencies. I have no chance…. and it is destroying me.

    1. Gerusha Bhotha

      All these posts are so sad 😞 u know sometimes we act like what we see our parents live by.it’s strange….we need more affection in front of Our Kids…and they can grow up In Healthy Relationships.I Empathize with U All n Trust Url get a continuous Healing ❤️‍🩹 n breakthroughs n answers n peace ☮️ n boldness n wateva Url need …tx for sharing…it’s not an easy thing to go through

  2. I found out earlier in this year that my wife of over 20 years had been cheating on me for almost the last 8 years with two different men while I was away working overseas. Never once did I cheat on her and I had plenty of opportunities to do so. Once I found out about her cheating I had her end the affair and I starting reading everything I could on the subject. I am a better person for it but it is almost as if she just wants to forget it ever happened. I have told her multiple times now that I need a heartfelt and sincere written apology from her and even given her links showing exactly how to do this to no avail. Still no apology from her other than her saying she is so sorry. That is not nearly enough and the fact that she doesn’t see the need for this has lead to a of if tension on my part and I know it is destroying what little chance we have to rebuild our marriage but at this point I really don’t care anymore. I know I can go out there and find my true love and so that is my plan. I think my wife thinks everything is going great but I am making plans to leave her by the end of the year and she will not have a clue. I’ve very likely got a new job lined up in another city and will do very nicely. Meanwhile she will have to go back to working full time to make ends meet. I will take her for half of her assets and her retirement plan as well. No more working two days a week for her anymore.

    1. I found that after 19 years of marriage, my wife was having an affair with a co-worker for at least 10 months. My wife’s response was very similar. She just wants to forget about it. I would like to leave very much, but we have a 6 year old daughter that I am very close to and love dearly. It angers me that although I did nothing to cause this issue, I stand to lose a chunk of my retirement and full time access to my daughter should I choose to divorce my wife. I would love to execute a plan such as yours and wish you the best of luck.

    2. Good for you. I think to be sincerely sorry is so important. I have done the EXACT same almost begging for an apology. which has not happened. He expects forgiveness and just to move forward & leave the past in the past. It truly blows me away. How people can hurt so deeply destroy so many feelings..and yet still expect something IN return.

      1. Well, at least I am not the only one married to a selfish liar. I also had to force my husband to tell the truth and apologize after I discovered his affair, and it took months. The way he even justifies it is maddening. I have been a fool to even consider taking him back. He doesn’t want it, he’s just nervous about the unknown. If fear is what has kept us together, NO THANKS! For too long I thought about the kids, and not me. Thankfully they are teens/ young men. I was willing to make it work but after he told me that I am emphasizing his affair too much, I drew the line. I suffered from years of gaslighting but now that he’s been out of the house for 6 months, although i am still heartbroken, I am realizing that I DONT WANT HIM!! I am still recovering from the shock and hurt of it all. I do believe in forgiveness, we all make mistakes. But if someone doesn’t even act like it was a mistake … he is not worth my love anymore

    3. Hi James I feel your pain, I’ve had a similar thing with my husband. Reading your comment makes me want to jump for joy, you do it look after yourself fir a change.

  3. Well, where to begin. My wife and I have/ had been together for 22 years, she was 17 and I was 31. With her father’s blessing, we went away together. We had two children, a boy, and a girl. We married after the kids were born, she was a doting mother, and I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect wife, she was everything to me. In November of 2015, I found out that she had been having an affair with this guy we hadn’t known that long, subsequently, during the move out of the house I had found a letter to a guy she fucked from her job, my son was with me when I was told about the affair, and so he was obtaining the information as I was, in real time. My son 19 at the time stopped speaking to his mother, and when I would go visit my boy, he would tell to forget about her, and go on, but now I’m a 54 year old man, and she’s still a cute little hottie 39 years old. She chooses to stay with her new boyfriend, and all of a sudden I get a call from my son’s friend, Joe, ruebens dead, he had taken his own life. I am so sorry he says. I thought this would bring my wife and I closer together, but she still stayed with him, I’m not sure what I’m trying to say, but I don’t even hear from her now, maybe she will say something on Facebook, but that’s it. I am so lost, we were supposed to grow old together, now she doesn’t even speak to me. And last our youngest, our daughter was accepted into Hollins University in Virginia, and has left, and started school. It’s like one moment I have this wonderful little family, and the next moment, I’m alone.

  4. I agree that tension is the main problem but being a type A personality person in a marriage where he committed what I call financial infidelity or extreme financial irresponsibility, I find it hard to even know how to be “loose goosey” in the relationship. Too much is at stake, too much ground too be made up, too much to fix, that is my feeling.

  5. I cheated on my husband of 22 yrs over 10 yrs ago. He is bringing it back up now like it just happened. He wants details down to the last word said . I am lost i dont remember 8 yrs ago…HELP!

    1. My wife will not tell me anything about her affair. She cheated at 16 yrs into our marriage. That was 26 yrs ago and I know now that my marriage died the day she started the affair. It was a rough time for us and when I needed her most she ran out and left me home with our 6 and8 yr old daughters .That I know of every single day for at least six months. She did admit to having sex every single day. She would leave home at 6 in the morning to go to work at 9am out to lunch everyday at a cheap motel by the hour and would not return home till 4 or 5 the next morning.

  6. loosy goosy a good name makes me chuckel but please tell me how it qpplies to a romantic frienshdship when i discoverd he has three more women in the romance Audrey

  7. i found out last August that my wife has been having a affair with a friend of mine, someone I trusted. It was the be trail of a life time, my wife of 30 years married since I was 19 and a friend for more than 20 years someone I confide in and truly never believed he would do such things,

  8. This is EXACTLY how we healed our marriage. He was emotionally cheating for a couple years. I focused on being the best me I could. I was in the moment and chose not to go backwards or forwards, it was not work. It was easy and super fast and we are healed and happier than ever

  9. The Unfaithful

    This is a great article. I spent decades viewing porn and years engaging in online emotional affairs, and I am grateful that my traumatized spouse is willing to give me a second chance. Now, when regular life stuff comes up — finances, bills, housing, groceries, etc. — the first thing I do is pray that my spouse and I don’t elevate the tension, because my past will put it over the top.

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