8 Underlying Reasons why “Talking” may Kill a Marriage

Unhappy couple arguing on the couch at home in the living room

Communication is king! However, here you are: tongue-tied, reluctant to say what you think or feel, yet feel that seething frustration of not being heard.

You don’t know what to do. Others seem to scream at you: say more, get it out, express yourself! And, you, plain and simple, just don’t feel safe.

Leave your comments below. Who “majors” in talking in your relationship and what is its impact?

16 thoughts on “8 Underlying Reasons why “Talking” may Kill a Marriage”

  1. If they are distancing and not talking then a touch or talk charge would be equally as difficult and again they probably will see it as more pursuit. Keep your words focused on your feeling is that the best plan?

  2. Some spouses would rather have a root canal than listen to a spouse’s pain, especially if that pain has been perpetrated by them. They want to move on after infidelity and forget it even happened. What they don’t realize is that the more their hurt spouse feels “heard” and validated, the faster the healing and the less their spouse will need to talk about it down the road. The betrayer also needs to understand we’re typically talking about years here, not months or weeks. This process is not for Shallow Hal;-)! Good luck!

  3. Well, we have ended polystyrene relationship – again – she claimed to have really made the commitment, the final step. She had opened her passwords, etc., but it was clear she had only done so after also changing the user of email, etc. After several years of her refusal to talk – really come clean – about cheatng on me, I drew a line in the sand. She was wanting me to be “over it” and choir us to move toward getting engaged. I insisted that would not – could not – happen without her sitting down, and coming clean. She’s said she would, and we sat down, and she continued to “cover up” tell partial truths, etc. — then, when presented with her deception, she turned to anger so she could storm out and end the discussion. I am convinced beyond any rational doubt that she differs from NPD … she is just perpetuating her victimization of me. She is Lucy of the Peanuts gang, and I’m good old Chuck – and Charlie Brown I’ve repeatedly allowed her to convince me that THIS time I’ll get to kick the football – then “swoosh” she pulls it away – again. Time to move on …

    1. Scott: We are in the same situation. After multiple counseling sessions and seminars on saving your marriage, my wife admits to having an affair but that of texting and phone conversations only. The electronic trail of phone records show a different story and when I challenge her with some specific questions on inconsistencies to the record and her disclosure, she becomes defensive and refuses to answer the questions. Now she says she had enough talking about the affair and wants to move on with a “clean slate.” I told her without full disclosure I can’t move on because I cannot trust her. She still doesn’t “get it,” She even threatened to leave me if I remain stuck with the issues–a manipulative move or threat to let me sweep it under the rug. I told her you cannot force trust. It’s there if it is there. And not there if it is not. It’s not like a switch that could be turned on or off just like that. This got her frustrated and angry. Oh well. What can I do. Only the truth can set her free. Like you, I am prepared to move on with or without her.

      1. For some people who get cheated on, the details of the affair is the key to heal from pain specially if you go separate ways, find a way to know them or find a way how to talk to your wife so she can come clean instead of making her take the deffensive attitude i assure you that will make you heal faster. Stay true.

    2. Scott, I have lived much the same. I have nineteen long years of living with a Brilliant and Successful Man but a Walking Contradiction which has made my common sense brain think I am CraZy. Then the realization of this bizarre illness called NPD and I only throught he was OCD. Through Dr Bob I found help and strength FINALLY I am understanding that I would not be in this relationship if I didn’t posess the hurts from my own childhood. When I repair these hurts I will l no longer want anything to do with him nor will it matter nor HURT. Dr Bob’s site has sustained me and Melanie Tonia Evans is bringing me through with Quanta Healing. I am only on Day 11 but I NOW feel like I am awakening from the bad dream instead of tossing and turning fighting the blankets.

    3. My husband is the same way. You said exactly how I feel. They chose this we did not. My husband says I didn’t hurt you. I hurt her. To me that shows no remorse on his part for what he did to me. My husband lied about everything when he told me he was telling the truth. After the first affair ended, 4 months later he went right back to her. She is 30 years younger than him and I am 10 years younger than him. He kept telling me, she is my daughters age, she is like a daughter to me, I think of her as my own daughter. I would not be having sex with my daughter. Then came only half truths. I told him we can work with and heal from the truth, but lies you can’t work on and can’t heal. He refuses to talk and tells me… Get over it bitch. I think it is time for me to move on.

  4. Steven J Frasure

    Your information has been invaluable and I’m very pleased that I found you and used your expertise in handling the problems that existed. I will continue to read and listen to the things you say. Your insights have helped me help others close to me because of the knowledge I have gained.

    Thank you.

  5. My husband says that men are naturally “prewired” for the strong need to procreate and that it’s an ongoing battle every day and that it’s not an excuse for cheating but just their natural way that some men are better at resisting then others. While I understand this from a Neanderthal perspective…really??? OMG where are all the decent men these days ??

  6. I’m not meeting my wife’s emotional needs. She keeps going back to her emotional affair partner. Evert I mean I try to talk to her, she clams up. I don’t know , is her biggest saying. So I talk, but unintentionally my words.crucify her, when all is was trying to do is fix this. She don’t feel safe. So I blocked his # , GPS her phone, and put cameras on the house. Now she feels.imprisoned. and I don’t feel safe, we are very Close to divorce. But for some reason we are stuck.

  7. Hey Deb, that’s complete horseshit from your husband. He’s a human being who is capable of controlling his carnal desires. Citing biological wiring is NOTHING but a rationalization he is using to allow himself to continue hurting you. You are not the problem. “Some men” are better at resisting is exactly the same. He is flat our refusing to accept any responsibility for his actions, and is trying to claim to be a victim of his own biology.

  8. Dr. Bob’s words have made me feel better to some extent. My wife has checked out and is lying about things that are so small and not important. I have asked a few time if she is cheating on me and I get the “maybe” answer. My gut says yes but that is the only thing that it is. She still has not committed to fix the relationship. I will fight till it makes no sense. Pray for me and all advice is welcome.

  9. This makes sense- I’m the talker persuader and my husband is asking for space and is distancing . He is tired of my words.

  10. I have no problems saying what I think or answering my spouse’s questions — the complete opposite compared to before disclosure. I do like to think about what I say since words matter, but the few seconds of silence while I am in thought is worrisome to my spouse, and that concern or fear is worrisome to me.

    1. She thinks you are hesitating bc you are trying to make something up. It’s going to take a long time and a lot of consistency on your part for her to believe that you are now telling the truth, after so many lies. Good for you for telling the truth and doing the right thing.

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