Do you ever give that question some thought?
How do you know if you married the right person?
Your relationship is in the pits and you want to know how to fix your marriage fast.
You snarl inside when your spouse does “their thing” and the thought jumps across your inner cortex, “What in the world do I see in this jerk!”
So, if your marriage is in trouble and the love and romance has long since been buried under the pain and frustration, why DID you marry that person? Or, how do you know you married the right person?
I posed that question to my list of readers, asking them to rank order the top 3 reasons they believe they married the right person.
I refrained from using the word “love” in describing any of the reasons. “Love” is too general and has different meanings for different people.
Here are the Results from Hundreds of Responses
The Top 10 Reasons You Married THAT Person
Let’s look more closely at the top 10 reasons and what, perhaps, lurks beneath the surface.
1. I felt like I found my best friend.
Love means sharing. Love means I’ve found someone who “gets” me. Love means I can disclose parts of my life, some parts painful or embarrassing, and those parts are wrapped with the warmth of acceptance and maybe a smile.
2. I felt like we were compatible.
Love means sharing like interests and activities. We ride fabulously together in the car; both grabbed by points of interests that mutually resonate. We like to sail together; we like to shop at similar stores; we have similar tastes in food. I wake in the morning and my favorite latte is warm and waiting because my partner knows.
3. I felt like this was my soulmate.
There is more than meets the eye. There is an emotional connection that defies reason. There is a reason, beyond reason, for being together. This is a relationship of destiny and purpose. A force or power, unknown and unspoken brought us together at this point in time. We learn from each other. We are meant to be together.
4. I felt a powerful sexual attraction
This is not sex. This is SEX. This is the physical joining of two people who share a deep emotional bond and connection. Sex is not an act. SEX is a joining of two souls married in purpose. SEX is the freedom to bare all and in baring all find not merely an acceptance but a deep pervading joy of self and mutual affirmation.
5. I could be myself around him/her
No more pretenses. No more games. I no longer need to perform and be who I am NOT. Performance is gratefully and mercifully thrown out the window. I am not afraid to be strong. I am not afraid to be weak. I am not afraid for him/her to see my foibles, idiosyncrasies, points of pain, doubts and fears. I can be ME.
6. I had extremely warm feelings when around him/her
I feel the inner warmth and relief of being accepted and valued. My feelings are no longer covered by my fears of what s/he might say or do. My heart feels the relief and is surrounded and bathed in the warmth. I feel my energy level shift from cool distance to the warmth of love.
7. I felt s/he was easy to be with
My relationship is effortless. It flows. The anxiety and tension of not knowing, of the game playing, vanishes. Words and thoughts travel from one to the other without need to pause. I do not pre-rehearse what I might say. I no longer need to wonder or guess at the meaning behind the words or body language. It is all out there and it is easy.
8. I was attracted to his/her intelligence
I found someone with whom I could share ideas, concerns and abstractions. And they “got it.” Our minds swirl around each other in the joy of discovery and expansion. My mind seems to expand and become larger when I’m around my partner. I became excited about the future and how any problem can be solved by putting our minds together.
9. I married to feel safe and taken care of
I found someone who intuitively understands and “gets” my deepest fears. Perhaps I don’t overtly spell them out, but my partner knows my fears. And, there is an unspoken and subtle, but deeply felt agreement that my partner will be there for me. My partner provides the safe harbor I need and long for.
10. I was looking for a kind person
I had enough of harshness and cruelty, on a number of levels. I found someone who would treat me with compassion, caring and understanding. They would express themselves to me with acts of kindness. My feelings, my thoughts and what was important for me is addressed in a kind and considerate manner. I love the gentleness.
Do any of these 10 resonate deeply with you? Can you identify?
Your Best Friend and Soulmate Found
I want you to carefully consider some points about this survey.
- I gave this survey to my readers. Many of them were thinking, “I need marital advice.”By far the majority on this list suffer pain, loss, deceit and lies in their relationship or marriage. Their marriage or relationship is in crisis. Some will survive the crisis; others won’t. They want to fix their marriage, as fast as possible.
- As you can see, they were able to cast aside the pain and hurt, or perhaps BECAUSE of the pain and hurt were able to remember when the relationship or marriage was marked by caring, concern and love, and were able to identify the forces that brought them together to create a couple who shared love and joy.
- Consider the word I just used: “force.” Out of the tens of thousands of other possible mates that crossed their paths, they mutually chose each other (maybe for less than perfect reasons; but, they nonetheless ended up together in a satisfying relationship.) Some “force” served as a magnet to create a new couple. At the time they believed they married the right person.
- In essence, there are no “bad” reasons for choosing one another. What some might label as a “bad” reason (need for security, financial stability, pleasing family, etc.) was, at that point in time, a valid reason for that person. Each relationship is perfect in the sense that it gives each person exactly what they need in the other to emotionally and personally evolve. You married the right person!
And then…
How Did the Best Friend and Soulmate Become the Enemy?
What happened? When did you realize your marriage was in trouble?
How did a marriage or relationship that started out with so much promise and hope end up in emotional crisis and turmoil?
What happened to turn the Best Friend and Soulmate into someone who sparked the sharp pain in the middle of the stomach?
What happened to turn the joy, freedom and ease into a relationship that now demands so much work, effort and is surrounded at a deep level, with so much fear and mistrust?
And, what, if anything can recapture and allow the Best Friend and Soulmate to emerge? How can you fix your marriage?
Take this Simple but Powerful First Step to Get Your Best Friend Back
I assume you now look at your partner and you see perhaps, mistrust, hurt, distance, fear, frustration, anger or another negative.
The result: you feel awful! A dull ache sits in your gut or your mind keeps recycling back to those terribly ugly times. You know what they are.
Take a deep breath!
Erase the Negative; Create Hope, Normalcy and a Deeper Awareness
Let’s begin to change how you feel and where your negative thoughts go. I want you to begin, at a very simple but powerful level, to experience and feel a new potential for you and your relationship.
This is an experiment in which you begin to assume some control and good feelings.
And, you will have the opportunity to build on the results.
But for now, I’m going to introduce you to a baseline way of thinking that will erase the negative and replace it with a filter that brings hope, a deeper awareness and a feeling of normalcy.
At least you will be pointed in the right direction. Remember, it took years to move from Soulmate and Best Friend to Enemy. It might take a while to reverse that slide. Or, who knows, it might happen SOON! (I have a blog post in mind related to the speed of change that I’ve witnessed countless couples experience.)
Instructions:
- Click on the button below to Download the “10 Reasons Your Soulmate Became Your Enemy.”
- Rank order those reasons. Pick as number one the reason that hits you the hardest, the one, you know, that feels like it fits best.
- Read it a few times and think of your marriage; where it was and where it is now in relationship to that reason.
- The next time you encounter your partner, plan to have that reason in the front of your mind. When you see your partner, look at them through the filter of your reason.
- Notice what happens after the encounter. What did you feel like? Were there any new thoughts or feelings about your partner? You might be surprised, but did your partner respond any differently?
Key Points:
- Losing your Best Friend and Soulmate is the norm. You are not alone. You will learn the process of how this happens and discover ways to not only reclaim your Best Friend, but go beyond that into a deeper sense of comfort and acceptance with each other. Please, don’t berate yourself for your situation.
- The exercise I suggest is very simple, but it contains the most powerful tactic, according to psychological research, to help establish a healthy relationship.
- There are predictable, sequential steps you can take to reclaim your Best Friend. Most are not taught the steps and the steps you learned were, at best, not helpful.
Click the Download Button below for “10 Reasons Your Soulmate Became Your Enemy.”
Enter your email address and let’s get started.
