I’m giving you the top 10 practical benefits of personal one-on-one coaching.
(These are the first 10 that came to my mind as I reflected on my journey as a Marriage and Family Therapist since 1981 logging over 25,000 direct client hours.)
Here’s a little personal info. I have two brothers-in-law. One is a medical doctor who owns a family practice. The other is an attorney specializing in probate law.
I’ve noticed over the years my brothers-in-law at parties and larger family get-togethers are sometimes asked for medical or legal advice. You know, the free, hope to solve my problem once and for all kind of advice.
However, I don’t recall anyone EVER asking me for marital, family or relationship advice!
My take:
- People are reluctant to admit a marital or family issue that concerns them. Getting “therapy” is a lost resort or is “OK” if a member has a rather daunting diagnosis, i.e. depression, anxiety or as I used to hear a “nervous breakdown.”
- Therapists have distanced themselves by presenting therapy as having a powerful mystique – the Freudian, “lay on my couch and tell me all about your bad childhood. Or, silence is used as a tool that conveys to the average person an aloof power that is highly intimidating and beyond questioning. (Beware of a therapist that sits behind the desk, walls covered with achievement plaques and book shelves lined with weird sounding book titles. :))
- You are not taught that there is much to learn about marriage or relationships. You are just supposed to know. Period. You never had a class on marital dynamics. And, if the marriage goes south, there must be something wrong with you – can’t keep a spouse?
It’s time for a change.
I prefer to use the word coaching rather than therapy or counseling. I want to move away from the stereotypes of helping others.
And how I structure my sessions now and how I relate is radically different than when I began in 1981.
So, as I look back over the past 10 years of coaching, I offer these 10 ways in which coaching has served as a tool for health and well being.
The 10 Benefits
Benefit #1. I provide a place of unconditional support.
You have the freedom to speak and to express. Your words are heard. Your words are digested. You are acknowledged. You are appreciated. You are valued. The fabric of your life, your journey is honored.
A space is provided to experience acceptance and the joy and power of that feeling. (This then, on one hand, becomes a model you can replicate with others.)
Benefit #2. We look at the questions, “How bad is it and How long will this last?”
After input regarding your situation, I don’t hesitate in sharing my opinions, hoping to offer the relief of beginning to know.
I’m especially in tune with any physical or mental harm you now experience in your relationship.
My opinions are based on years and thousands of hours of touching on patterns and themes that run across all marriages and relationships. You learn from the lives of others that have been willing to share their journey with me. We begin to put together the many and varied pieces of your relational and life patterns.
If the relationship is safe, I may offer, if requested, my take on the chance of saving the relationship.
One step further is talking about how to increase the chance of saving your marriage or relationship.
Benefit #3. Coaching clears up confusion.
You may assume that confusion is bad or a sign of weakness, as most do. I believe confusion lies on the edge of discovery. Confusion merely means you are pulled in different directions. You have different options available.
We move to discovery by being aware of the parts that pull you in different directions, come to know those parts in depth; and as you talk, explore and examine, clarity emerges.
Suddenly you KNOW!
And then you act on what you know.
Benefit #4. Coaching melts the extremes.
Here are two extremes: “Do I kick the a—hole out? or “Should I be nice and accommodating (doormat – hoping goodness prevails)? Most think in terms of extremes. It’s either or. It’s black or white. What an awful way to live. Talk about tension, hopelessness and helplessness.
You always have options, many more options than the extremes. Remember the movie, “What about Bob?” – one of my favorites. Baby steps. Baby steps. Powerful, between the extremes, strategies, words and actions emerge that break patterns and provide tangible hope for change and resolution.
Benefit #5. You learn how to speak the truth.
Underneath the fear, the anger, the mistrust, the pain, the distance and the constant reactivity, there is truth. If you are afraid to speak, you have not yet discovered the truth. The truth will set you free is a powerfully true statement.
Secrets, fear of self disclosure and fear that your spouse will either back away or attack if you say something, means that what you want to say does not reflect the truth. The truth may be illusive for you primarily because you have not thought in terms of speaking the truth, only in terms of protecting yourself, trying to get your needs met or trying to defend or deflect from what your spouse speaks.
Coaching gently but firmly points to the truth and frames it for you to speak in ways that truly gets your spouse’s attention in a potentially constructive manner.
Benefit #6. Coaching helps you move beyond living with your pain.
You may assume there is nothing you can do about your pain.
Yes, you have tried to alleviate the pain, but to this point nothing has proven effective in bringing relief. And, so you continue to feel the pain, find yourself in places and situations that trigger the pain or try to escape the pain through one of many addictive substances.
Pain is merely a part of you trying to get your attention. It cries for acknowledgment. That is it!
I often use a 5-10 minute process to access the pain and once the pain is acknowledged you move through it and beyond it more quickly and effectively than you ever imagined possible. (This runs counter to conventional thought that thinks pain needs a pill or pain is only resolved by digging up your sordid past.)
Benefit #7. Coaching uncovers the hidden meaning.
Recent research indicates that 5% of what you think and how you respond to another comes from your conscious mind. 95% of how you act or respond to another is determined by the 95% that lies beneath your conscious awareness.
You and your spouse are basically on autopilot. And, the rigidity of that autopilot is intensified when your relationship recycles its garbage. (Ever tried NOT to go somewhere with your spouse when the heat is turned up and find it impossible NOT to go there?)
Coaching enables you to stand back, see the pattern, see the triggers to the pattern, identify the underlying fear and or anger and replace the negativity with your inner reservoir of love. Once the anger and/or fear is reframed a new world emerges.
Benefit #8. Coaching helps you get to the CORE issues more quickly and effectively.
You can wander forever.
You can click from website to website. You can read self help book after self help book. You can become a marriage webinar junky. You can have date nights. You can spend expensive weekends with hot tubs, heart shaped pillows and chocolates. You can talk forever about your problems and possible solutions until the proverbial cows come home.But, you may get nowhere; merely returning again and again and again to your points of pain, frustration, hurt and distance.
You MUST get to your CORE concerns and issues, which are often hidden from yourself and those closest to you.
A little breathing space, someone else to hold a space of unconditional acceptance for you quickly allows the CORE concerns to take on names.
Benefit #9. You learn about marriage and relationships in coaching.
How many courses in High School did you have on marriage? In college? Elsewhere? Probably zero.
You know more about how your cell phone operates than how marriages typically operate, the stages you go through in your marriage, the different levels of intimacy, how you best solve problems, the impact of children on marriage and much more.
Coaching helps you make finer and finer distinctions about what you want, what you need, what you truly want to say, about the characteristics and traits of yourself and your spouse. The finer the distinctions the more personal power you possess in speaking the truth and welcoming a deeper level of awareness and intimacy.
Benefit #10. Coaching helps you move beyond your personal needs.
You have powerful needs and most likely never gave them much thought. Neither has your spouse or partner.
Often I hear someone describe themselves as feeling “needy.” Of course, they despise this needy feeling and feel victimized and helpless. Not very attractive.
These personal needs can rule and control your marriage and life.
Coaching helps you discover there is more to you and your spouse than personal needs, much more. Coaching helps you speak up for yourself so you reflect who you truly are, what your truly desire, what you ultimately love in powerful ways that others clearly hear. When you speak up, others are drawn closer to you.
Is it Time NOW?
- Do you feel stuck in the stifling mud of distance, frustration, hurt and loneliness?
- Are you sick and tired of it getting better, but to find two days later you and your spouse recycling again the same disgusting pit of pain?
- Are you looking for a safe, private and life-giving oasis where you feel and live with the peace and happiness you desire?
Imagine being in a marriage or relationship where love, acceptance, validation, trust and appreciation are the expressed targets you shoot toward.
No, you won’t ALWAYS hit the target (no one does 100% of the time) but when you miss you have extreme confidence that again and again the target is still in place and you share a commitment to love more deeply and fully.
I Offer You a Beginning Point
I will provide a caring space as well as a space that opens a new world of relationship information. A world of new choices, options, clarity and understanding will emerge, which results in a deeper capacity to receive and give love. For a limited time (to be honest, I don’t know how long this will last) you may have a FREE 15 minute coaching consultation with me.
Trust is Critical
I want to be very clear on this offer. Trust is critical in any relationship of investment and that applies to a coaching relationship. I want to earn your trust. And, I want you to give me your capacity to trust. Here’s exactly what will happen:
- A pop up will emerge. Enter your email address.
- You will immediately be sent to a survey.
- Answer the one question: What significant change would you like to experience in your marriage or relationship?
- In the box below that question, enter your email address, phone number (if you live in the USA or Canada) or your Skype address (if you live internationally.)
- I will review your response and contact you via your email to schedule our time.
I have three specific reasons why this process is important:
- Answering the question might be helpful to formulate your questions and concerns. Some find this process, in itself, therapeutic.
- Your response will help us use the 15 minutes efficiently.
- I will provide (through your email address) information related to blog posts, videos, ebooks, member areas,support groups, newsletter updates and the latest research and tools. You may unsubscribe at any time.
What if You’re not Ready Now?
It’s ok if you are not ready for a 15 minute consultation. The timing may not be right. You don’t want to commit at this moment. That’s perfectly ok.
However, please know this offer is time limited and if it seems right now (you will know,) I wouldn’t want you to miss an experience that may turn your relationship around.
So, if not now, click the link below and I will add you to an email list where you will receive updates on my research (the SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE FOREVER FORMULA is in beta testing as I write this) and other information about available tools, reports, ebooks and blog posts. Click here to receive important updates and information:
I look forward to hearing from you.
Bob
