Oh, oh- There’s Not Enough in My Marriage
I struggle with lack in my life. I wake in the morning and this fairly mild, what I call gut wrench, strikes my stomach as my mind hashes over what I want… more of… money, success, recognition, love or whatever. I write this not to complain but to share because I think it’s a HUGE problem for all of us. We are conditioned to want more, to work hard to get more, to succeed at being comfortable so we feel good. We continually chase this illusive and never met illusion. (Sorry, folks, but we as humans are wired to never, if ever, or only for a brief period of time, feel like we have arrived and are comfortable.) The election is just over and the news stations had images of Trump and Obama sitting next to each other in the oval office. I was reading a somber Donald’s Trump mind: “OMG, what have I gotten myself into!” Now, think of your marriage or relationships of emotional investment. Most couples who have come to me over the years are stuck here: “I’m not getting my needs met.” There is not enough love, understanding, compassion, affirmation, support, etc. The list could go
How to Overcome Your Fear of Losing Your Marriage
(or losing the love in your marriage)
Dr. Huizenga here… If like most, you are here because you suffer in one of these arenas: Your marriage is in crisis. Infidelity, divorce, or a recent secret that became a painful reality now haunts you and your marriage. Your marriage is dying. Maybe it has been for a long time. The warmth, the tenderness, the acceptance is gone. It’s emotionally dead and you NOW refuse to live in a dying marriage of quiet desperation. And, you are afraid. Afraid you will lose everything, your lifestyle, your partner, your safety net and maybe the devotion and access to your children. Afraid you will never trust again; will NEVER give yourself and be vulnerable to love and intimacy. Afraid you are unloveable or perhaps something is wrong with you that you are not able to maintain the love in the marriage. Afraid you may spend the rest of your life miserably alone; cynical, jaded and angry. Fear becomes your content companion. Fear Resides in EVERY Marriage Although you may be in crisis or at decision crunch time, please know that fear and the seeds of fear are found in ALL marriages or relationships of emotional investment. And you say, “Wait a
The 3 Beliefs that Ruin a Marriage or Relationship
Your Marriage Breaking? Shattered? Your marriage is breaking. You don’t want it to break, but it feels like each day a new piece shatters. Do you sometimes feel like the door of love, acceptance and intimacy has been slammed shut in your face? You feel unappreciated, alone, ignored and emotionally light years removed from your spouse? If so, I will open a new door and invite you into a new world, a world in which the Laws of True Love can piece your marriage back together. How to Get Your Spouse and Love Back Your spouse is pulling away – has been for a while. Maybe you didn’t notice the distance; life was life, with responsibilities and all and things seemed ok. Not great. But, hey, it is what it is. Now the distance is right in your face. Wham! Your partner and spouse feels more and more like a stranger. Some days your body stiffens with the tension and your breathing almost stops. You fear the anger and hostility. Your mind races trying to understand and fill in the blanks of their aloofness and uncaring behavior. The touching, the humor, the looked-for moments and space of peace and love
Your Marriage Can Heal Itself
Your marriage can heal itself. The power is there! All you need to do is tap into it. This is easier said than done, since 95% of that around you and 95% of which you were taught about marriage, an intimate relationship and love, contradicts what I’m about to show you. But, more on that later. For now, let’s look at the 9 beliefs that you MUST embrace for the healing. 1. A Cut Finger Will Heal I’m a vegetable freak. I love vegetables. And, it’s relaxing to slap my cutting board on the counter, grab my knife and begin slicing away. But, sometimes, gratefully not often, I have a problem: I cut my finger. I clean out the cut and wrap a bandaid around it. What happens? It heals! I don’t worry about it. There is absolutely nothing I must do, other than make sure I keep it fairly clean. There is a power, a force, something within me that heals that cut. It takes over. It begins regenerating whatever needs to regenerate. I really have no idea how it happens (and, I’m certain scientists haven’t nailed down this process either.) The healing power takes over and in a
How to Grow a Deeper Emotional Connection with Your Partner
You want a deeper emotional connection, more intimacy in your marriage – to feel loved, appreciated, valued, acknowledged, understood and more. But, here’s the problem: 1. You run into a brick wall when you begin to talk about your desire for a deeper emotional connection with your spouse. Yes, there are some gender differences. Most men inwardly groan and emotionally run away when you say, “Let’s talk.” And, you may try and try harder to call attention to your need for more intimacy in your marriage, but give up muttering your frustration. 2. On the edge of your awareness dwells this thought: you are really afraid of a deep emotional connection. A wise man once wrote, “A deep emotional connection, a powerful intimacy in your marriage naturally scares and terrorizes us because to become deeply connected means that at some point we will lose the object of our connection – through walking away or ultimately through death.” 3. You don’t have the words. I need more affection I need you to listen to me I need you to pay more attention to me I want more romance Tell me you love me …don’t adequately express the deeper desire. A powerful
Top 10 Benefits of Relationship Coaching
I’m giving you the top 10 practical benefits of personal one-on-one coaching. (These are the first 10 that came to my mind as I reflected on my journey as a Marriage and Family Therapist since 1981 logging over 25,000 direct client hours.) Here’s a little personal info. I have two brothers-in-law. One is a medical doctor who owns a family practice. The other is an attorney specializing in probate law. I’ve noticed over the years my brothers-in-law at parties and larger family get-togethers are sometimes asked for medical or legal advice. You know, the free, hope to solve my problem once and for all kind of advice. However, I don’t recall anyone EVER asking me for marital, family or relationship advice! My take: People are reluctant to admit a marital or family issue that concerns them. Getting “therapy” is a lost resort or is “OK” if a member has a rather daunting diagnosis, i.e. depression, anxiety or as I used to hear a “nervous breakdown.” Therapists have distanced themselves by presenting therapy as having a powerful mystique – the Freudian, “lay on my couch and tell me all about your bad childhood. Or, silence is used as a tool that
You Forgot How to Love
It’s really quite simple. You just plain forgot how to love. Remember when you held your newborn? You experienced the raw naked power and feeling of love. Your newborn WAS love. Your newborn loved you – unconditionally. You weren’t called upon to perform or be someone you were not. You were loved because you were you – no strings attached. And you watched your newborn grow – and express love. Your newborn learned to smile, to belly laugh, to run up, throw their arms out and hug you, to hold you tightly, to run with abandon and to embrace life. Yes, to love! And, your child, gracefully growing, at a deep level (maybe beyond your awareness) reminded you of YOU, when you were a young child growing, embracing life and yes, loving. Love was just there. No working on it; no trying so hard to make it happen. And then you had to “grow up.” Life became “complicated.” Pleasing, performing, attaining, accumulating, fear of rejection, neediness, fear of failure, fear of being on the outside, frustration with self and others, uncertainty, doubt, and feelings of unworthiness became dark clouds that blotted out love. Watch this video of an amazing 6
Why did you marry THAT Person
Do you ever give that question some thought? How do you know if you married the right person? Your relationship is in the pits and you want to know how to fix your marriage fast. You snarl inside when your spouse does “their thing” and the thought jumps across your inner cortex, “What in the world do I see in this jerk!” So, if your marriage is in trouble and the love and romance has long since been buried under the pain and frustration, why DID you marry that person? Or, how do you know you married the right person? I posed that question to my list of readers, asking them to rank order the top 3 reasons they believe they married the right person. I refrained from using the word “love” in describing any of the reasons. “Love” is too general and has different meanings for different people. Here are the Results from Hundreds of Responses The Top 10 Reasons You Married THAT Person Let’s look more closely at the top 10 reasons and what, perhaps, lurks beneath the surface. 1. I felt like I found my best friend. Love means sharing. Love means I’ve found someone who “gets”
Your Dream Marriage and Chemistry: Why Your Spouse Became “The One”
Why did you marry your spouse? I assume you’ve asked that question, especially if you have one of THOSE days and feel less than blissful about the relationship. And, of course those days come, whether you want them or not. But, again, WHY DID you marry that person? Think about it. How many potential mates did you encounter in high school? How many did you have eyes on or had eyes on you? How many crossed your path? And, if you journeyed off to college, give me an estimate of how many potential suitors passed you on the sidewalk as you moved from class to class? How many in your neighborhood, in your church, in the groups you joined or in your community were “eligible?” How many do you suppose you almost brushed against in the grocery store, in restaurants, in bars or other parties? Or, your work environment provided you with how many opportunities to find THAT person? And, now the internet. Holy moly… image the tens of thousands available right beneath your busy finger tips on the keyboard. You don’t need a calculator to determine that thousands of potential THAT persons paraded before you; and yet, you chose
Blog Review: How to Keep Cool During a Marital Crisis
Before one can intervene or act powerfully to change or alter a marriage or relationship, it is vital that one internally experiences a feeling of calm and confidence. Of course, that calmness ebbs and flows, sometimes by the moment. The internal calmness is indicative of charging neutral. Here’s an article that will enable you to examine and attain positive feelings. This author tells you how you can create positive feelings and examine such concepts as affirmations, meditation, and emotional detachment from your painful thoughts and feelings. So, check out this article written by Remez Sasson to create and experience positive feelings: How to Create and Experience Positive Feelings By Remez Sasson What are positive feelings? These are pleasant feelings of happiness, satisfaction, confidence and the expectation of success. These are feelings of compassion, love, tolerance and understanding. Why do you need positive feelings? They make you feel good, energetic, happy and able and willing to take action to pursue what you want to attain and achieve. They also make your life happier and easier, make you more likeable and improve your relationships. How can you create positive feelings? Read and practice the following tips, to help you create positive feelings: