The problem in your marriage and with your spouse is FEAR.

And it’s a problem in EVERY marriage or relationship of emotional investment.

• You are afraid your spouse will reject you.
• You are afraid that you are undesirable and unlovable.
• You are afraid you will not perform well enough to be loved.

Your spouse carries these very fears as well.

These constant, perhaps under the surface fears chip away at the good feelings and eventually destroy your love.

The purpose of the Marriage Building Online Course it to replace Fear with love.

The resources, Tools, articles, videos, image quotes and information in the Marriage Building Online Course enable a genuine powerful Love.

The Course presents the 3 Love Laws.

These Laws replace the hostility, fear, loneliness and conflict with Love.

You experience the impact of the 3 Love Laws as you progress through the 3 Rs of Marriage Building:

• Relax: release the tension in the marriage or relationship.
• Reprogram: think differently about love and marriage
• Reconnect: start over and relate in truly loving fear-free ways.

Use the Marriage Building Online Course to transform your marriage and find the love you long for.

Imagine the relief realizing and KNOWING there is no one to blame for your marital “issues.”

Blaming your spouse, circumstances or worse, yourself, only makes you feel worse – every day, every time you bump into your ‘triggers.”

The Beginners Module helps you understand the huge number of factors that break down a marriage.

With this knowledge you will begin to look at your spouse and yourself differently – offering a foundation for the work in the Intermediate and Advanced Modules.

Imagine what it would be like to be more fearless – less afraid that you will be disappointed, rejected or frustrated – less afraid of what your spouse may say or do that stirs the hurt.

Imagine seeing your marriage through the lens of true love rather than fear and tension.

And, imagine what you would have – the intimacy, the desire, the openness, the courage, and the fearlessness living in accordance with the 3 LOVE LAWS.

The Beginners Module gives you the Tools and concepts to being feeling more at ease, more aware, more focused and more confident.

Emotional Survival

This guide gives you resources to survive, set boundaries and protect yourself as you extricate from the abuse. Case studies are given by those who used some of these resources along with their results.

Class with Dr. Huizenga

In this one hour class Dr. Huizenga presents They Say They’ve “Fallen out of love.” What does that mean and what you can do about it.” In the course you will learn:

• 5 Characteristics of a Mirror-based Love
• 3 Majors Characteristics of a Fear-based Love
• 3 Powerful Fears that absolutely Destroy Love
• How to use the Vacuum Theory to Create Love
• 3 Stages Couples go through in “Falling in Love” and “Falling out of Love”
• The first signs of “Falling out of Love”
• 8 Common Responses that Trigger “Falling out of Love”
• How the Deja Vu Spiral Erodes Love
• How to Reframe the “Falling out of Love” Process

Download Audio File
Download the Keep Falling (Infographic)
Download Background Reading for the Class

Tension: The #1 Marriage Killer

How you conventionally try to “fix” your marriage generates tension. And, with the tension you typically recycle your marital garbage and experience a “stuck” relationship. Warm up to being loosey goosey.

How Tension and Worry Kill your Relationship

Discover the insidious impact of worry and tension as created by the “Force it/Fix it” model, how these results become anchored in your heart and 11 practical ways anxiety erodes a relationship or marriage.

Supporting Content

How you conventionally try to “fix” your marriage generates tension. And, with the tension you typically recycle your marital garbage and experience a “stuck” relationship. Warm up to being loosey goosey.

Tension Reduction Checklist

You cannot love when you are tense. You cannot accept and trust love when you worry and are racked with anxiety. Download the Tension Reduction Progress Chart that guides your progress through this Module.

The sensitive person

Download and print out your “What I Need to Learn” file on the right. Check the progress of your learnings that help you reduce the tension and heal your marriage.

How you got here: Falling in and out of Love

You cannot Fix or Force Love

What’s Really Killing Your Marriage

Can Your Marriage be Saved?

You may be wondering, “Is it worth it? Can my marriage truly be saved, or am I just kidding myself?

Or, am I so needy and desperate now that my needs overwhelm my good judgment?”

I will point you to some distinctions that will help you decide whether to stay or go, but that is ultimately your decision.

There is one exception. If you are in a physically abusive relationship or one that holds extreme danger for physical harm, GET OUT NOW! Or, get the help and support you need to make an exit.

And now, I want to offer thoughts about divorcing.

A marriage in which both are happy and satisfied is rare; extremely rare! In reality, a marriage is where we often experience the worst side of ourselves. This is not all bad, for in that turmoil, pain, confusion and fear we are offered the opportunity to move to a new and enhanced level of ourselves and the relationship. The pain or emptiness often points us in the direction of what we truly want and desire.

Distinctions to Consider Regarding Divorce

Your marriage may be in the midst of situational stress or crisis. This is temporary.

The negativity, pain and/or emptiness you encounter now will pass. Again, after spending literally tens of thousands of hours with direct client care, it’s become apparent that marriages suffer most during critical times.

Marital crises are more likely to occur at particular phases or points in time in the development and evolution of the marriage. There are tendencies and patterns or crunch points in the marriage that leave a marriage most susceptible to questions of divorce.

Awareness of the these points in time in a marriage may help you address the underlying issues and short-circuit the marital crisis or recover from it more quickly.

• “I Don’t Want to (Don’t Know How) to Grow Up.” Soon after a couple marries (I’m referring to a younger couple, first marriage) the issue of personal freedom emerges. The romantic feelings fade along with the excitement of creating a new household. The sense of responsibility and challenges of “adulthood” take on reality.
  Some enjoy the challenge and opportunity. Others, (my experience tells me it’s mainly men) begin to feel constrained and “trapped.” They report a loss of freedom. They find it difficult to put their desires on hold and negotiate with another for their needs. They balk at assuming responsibility for the new tasks demanded in managing a new lifestyle.
  Underneath their disquiet is a reluctance to leave their perceived personal freedom of the single life and embrace the adult world. Closely related to this time period for many young couples is the birth of the first child. This usually is a joyful time, but soon after the birth, the reality of caring for a new life and the natural change in the family dynamics (three in the family is MUCH different than two) become problematic.
  The husband frequently resents the loss of attention and affection and may withdraw. Or, the wife may feel overwhelmed or terribly uncomfortable with the “mothering role” and withdraw as well.
• The oldest child reaches early adolescence. This is a particularly difficult time for the family. The dynamics in the family are significantly altered.
  The early adolescent son begins to push mother away and wants to battle with father. It is crucial that mother and father be aware of the resulting tension and the two, needing to be aligned, find ways to deal with the tension and parent the bourgeoning young man.
  The adolescent daughter will begin to distance from father and will look to mother for guidance and modeling. Father may feel displaced, unneeded or unwanted.
  There are two factors at this time in the marriage that make the marriage ripe for tension and confusion.
  The emerging psychosexual development of their early adolescent child will serve a trigger, reminding a parent of his/her psychosexual development.
  If there is “unfinished business” for the parent, or that part of his/her life was traumatic or undeveloped, the parent may find it difficult to cope with the internal tension.
• Mid life Crisis. Here’s my take on a mid life crisis.
  In our 20s and early 30s we think we have the answers. We KNOW what it’s going to take to be successful, however we define that. And, we continue to use the coping patterns we think serve us well.
  If we were an achiever, we focus on achievement.
  If we knew how to get our needs met from people, we focus on others as our source for success.
  If we seemed to find comfort and solace in creativity and our imagination, we major in that part of us.
  As well, we have preconceived ideas of what it will feel like and be like, once we reach that success. We have a dream.
  For 15-20 years we give it our all.
  And, we wake up one day and discover we are not there. Our dreams seem a long way away. We thought achievement would do it, be we seem to fall short. We thought we could “work” people to get what we want but others fail to be cooperative. We valued imagination and creativity but it becomes our prison.
  We then, look for something else or try to find something else to replace our disappointment and emptiness.
  A person may pull away from the family, the marriage and a spouse may suddenly be confronted with unpredictable, sometimes bizarre behaviors.
• The empty nest. Raising children demands time, energy and effort. Parents frequently focus on the raising of children to the exclusion of their marriage.
  One day, the children are gone and husband and wife stare at each other across the breakfast table, wondering, “Who are you?”
  The thought of moving closer and developing a greater intimacy seems frightening, almost terrifying. One or both may look for some form of pseudo-intimacy to serve as a buffer from developing the next stage of intimacy in the marriage.
• Moments of mortality. In our 50s it’s not uncommon to suddenly be faced with our mortality. We will die! It seems a much closer reality.
  A wave of sadness bordering on panic envelops as we focus more intently on our virility and our sagging attractiveness. This is our LAST chance to have it, get it, find it… that which we think we missed along the way.
  To escape the inevitability of our physical and mental demise and to ferret out what then is left, we may throw ourselves into different behaviors hopefully closing the door on our fears and dread.
• The Tarnished Years. It’s supposed to be the “Golden Years,” correct? The time when we retire, the time when we can play, volunteer, give and enjoy the years we have left.
  For many, it’s the tarnished years rather than the golden years.
  Retirement means an end, an end to roles and structure that kept life together, that kept one functioning, providing, and contributing.
  With the external roles and functions removed, a vacuum emerges. And, in this vacuum may emerge new values, standard, goals and dreams. A couple, used to the structure of the old roles and goals may discover a difficult time in making this life-changing transition.
  This last phase may seem a little farfetched, but my practice over the past 5 years has encountered those in their early retirement years struggling with infidelity and marital crisis.

Awareness of these crucial times in a marriage and attention to the potential crisis in each can help a couple manage the phase much better and hopefully lessen the chances of marital breakdown.

As well, an awareness of the different points of time in a marriage will help a person encountering the uncharacteristic behavior “normalize” the event and assume less personal responsibility, therefore, accelerating the healing and change process.

Was there “Chemistry?”

Why did you marry? What was the baseline for your marriage?

Now, the reasons we marry are varied. When I was in college a few years ago, word spread that particular women were after the MRS. Degree. They were husband shopping. And, to be accurate many men were probably after the MR. Degree. A cultural bias told young people that they were to get a degree, get married (maybe not in that order) start a career and a then a family.

As well, parents often have an influence, often subtle but powerful, that tell a young person when and whom to marry (in general terms.) And someone may “choose” a spouse who fit the criteria or rebel and choose a partner seemingly opposite of the criteria.

Some professionals suggest there are archetypes that unconsciously draw and attract us. (I remember as an early adolescent having a dream that I was marrying a person with dark black hair, which eventually happened.)

Sexual attraction plays a hugely significant role in bringing partners together, as well a various personality patterns. I cannot do full justice to this topic in a short chapter.

The bottom line: was there an initial strong attraction between you and your spouse? Did it hold you? Did it sustain itself? Do you now hope for that attraction to return or are you looking for something different?

What role does this initial attraction and reason for coming together now play as you think about creating the love you want?

Is there a Long Term Maladaptive Coping Pattern?

We bring along with us in this life journey particular ways of coping with others and life.

I don’t want to get too technical here but suffice it to say that some of these patterns serve us less and less well as we move through life.

Someone may withdraw to recharge him/herself. Over time this withdrawal may become a recurring and frequent form of escape, from family, the marriage and responsibilities of life.

Others see life through a depressing filter. This depressing filter may increase in power until a person is close to immobilization.

Others use aggression to manage their way. The aggression may be productive for a period of time, but may be used with more force and insensitivity as a person ages.

Rather than seeing the aging process as an opportunity to face challenges, grow and evolve, some retreat to negative coping patterns that become more and more deeply entrenched and negative.

A spouse, intent on embracing life, may find it extremely difficult to deal with the imbalance of living with such a person.

Does a Person Have the Capacity to Emotionally Connect?

This concern follows closely the above mentioned way in which a coping pattern may become more destructive and alienating over time.

Some lack the internal wiring to move toward another. Or, again, a person may bring along an alienating pattern learned as a child as a way to protect him/herself, but never let go of that pattern or embraced more productive patterns as an adult.

Maybe You CANNOT Stop the Divorce or Save the Marriage

A hard truth may be that your spouse has decided to end the marriage. It’s finished. It’s done.

Maybe s/he has told you so, maybe not.

However, at some level, s/he has checked out and you have no options.

Regardless of what you say, regardless of what you do, regardless of how many books you read or how many counselors you see, the marriage is finished. Not because of you, but because your spouse decided.

Perhaps s/he has not followed through with legal papers, but there is no effort on your part that will change his/her mind.

An Affair May be Part of the Marriage

The presence of an affair in the marriage sends a marriage into turmoil. Words of divorce, separation and ending the relationship for someone else may predominate.

It may appear that the marriage is over.

An affair brings a complexity to question of should I stay or go that I will not cover here. Feel free to use my e-book, “Break Free From the Affair” as a guide for this issue.

Two Suggestions

Whether to stay or go is a complex question; far too complex question to cover in one chapter.

I will, however, make two suggestions:

1. If you live in an abusive relationship and there is the fear of physical harm, take action now. Seriously think about the steps you will take to manage and care for yourself and perhaps your children.
2. Don’t focus on the question of whether you should stay or go right now. Put the question of divorce aside. Take 90 days to work through the modules, become aware of the internal stressors within YOU and create new brain cells about marriage, love and relationships. I observe too many couples divorcing or threatening divorce out of reactivity and negativity. “I can’t stand this anymore, s/he will never change, I won’t settle, I will never find the love I want here and s/he is the ultimate jerk, etc.” are all statements of reactivity and poor criteria to base your divorce or not divorce decision upon. The grass is NOT greener on the other side of marriage.

How you will know you move from a fear based relationship to EASY LOVE

21 Shifts point to your ultimate destination of EASY LOVE. All the modules provide the means for you to make these shifts and have the marriage and relationship you truly desire.

After 30 years of clinical experience facing literally thousands of couples and individuals it is clearly apparent that not many of us can articulate what we truly want, especially when we think about our marital relationship.

I would estimate that 90% begin describing changes they desire from their spouse or use the pronoun “we” when discussing what they want to experience in the marriage.

Such a perspective will NOT work in redesigning a marriage or relationship of emotional investment. You will learn why as we move through the modules.

But, I want to give you a taste now of what waits for you. I will talk a great deal about the shifts you can make to radically change the flow of your marital relating.

Here’s a sample.

Take a couple minutes to rank order the top 3 shifts you want to make in your marital relationship from the chart below:

How does that seem to you? Helpful? Can you begin to appreciate where you are now and the possibilities for where you want to move to in the future?

For the time being, store these three desired shifts in the back of your mind.

Learning to Meta Comment

The Power of Distinctions

I emphasize the power of making distinctions as you build a love you can trust. Making distinctions is the process of understanding, of peeling back the layers of the onion to see what’s beneath. Love is not an end process. Love continues. Love builds stronger and stronger over time. Love is coming to know the other in deeper and more profound, exciting and happy ways – as you make distinctions.

Introduction to EASY LOVE

Loving and being loved should be easy and natural. It is difficult, however, since we are taught that we must “make” love happen or we must “fix” a broken relationship. It is difficult to escape the “Force it/Fix it” model since it presents itself daily. The “Force it/Fix it” mentality makes loving difficult. The 3 EASY LOVE Laws move you in the opposite direction of the “Force it/Fix it” mentality.

3 EASY LOVE Laws

The Shift to Easy Love

The 4 Step Basic Communication Tool

The 4 Step Basic Communication Tool powerfully takes you through a 4 Step Process that teaches you exactly what to say and when to say it. With the use of this Tool, you stand the best chance of eliciting a positive, loving and supportive response from your spouse or partner. Experiment. Make sure you use Charging Neutral when applying the steps. Notice what happens.