Dr. Bob Huizenga here
…Let me tell you a story about Tom and Kristi
A colleague was having a terrible time with a couple in marriage therapy. This couple had gone through some very difficult times (he had been involved with another woman.) The OP (other person) was legitimately and in all ways out of the picture and they were both committed to “working on the relationship.”
However, they were having a terribly frightful time making headways. My therapist colleague finally out of desperation referred them to me, hoping I could see them through the impasse.
Tom and Kristi walked through my door, took a seat and the session began. Both told me they truly wanted a better relationship and were working hard to make it happen. They were sincere.
Kristi described what she would do when Tom came home after work, trying to make him comfortable, affirmed and welcomed.
Tom explained how he tried to talk more, be present for Kristi and meet her needs. Tom listed 3-4 ways in which he was trying to make Kristi feel more desirable and loved.
Each was hanging on the other’s words.
In addition to the rather large aura of tension, the couple exuded a deep sense of weariness. Kristi and Tom were exhausted. Emotionally they were spent. There was little life in Tom and Kristi and in the marriage.
Tom and Kristi pleadingly looked at me as if, “OK, the last therapist tried her bag of tricks to make us better. And we worked diligently on every one of them. What do YOU suggest we do?”
So, I gave them a very simple but counter-intuitive assignment and followed it with an exclamation point.
Kristi and Tom walked through the door the following week smiling, light, like a breath of fresh clean air sweeping through my office.
Kristi, especially, thanked me profusely.
I saw them for 3-4 more sessions and they were happily on their way.
I helped Tom and Kristi make a simple, but MAJOR mental shift that catapulted their marriage into the arena of relief, healing and hope.
(Please know that ALL couples do not respond this way. Tom and Kristi had been wandering in the marital wasteland for a long time and they were ripe for healing. And, I had a fairly good idea of how I could pinpoint an intervention that would propel Tom and Kristi to their healing. I don’t do this with all couples! It’s not THAT simple!)
Are You Sick, Tired and Weary of…
- The in-your-face criticism or the subtle digs that leave you tongue tied and hurt
- The distance – two married strangers in the same room or maybe the same bed
- The Loneliness and nagging emptiness
- The incessant undercurrent of frustration; there’s never enough
- The conflict and fights that predictably emerge
- Being afraid – to say what you really think, to be who you truly are
- The numbness; the emotional paralysis, the married walking dead
- The mind games that perpetuate distance and misunderstanding.
- The phoniness of a marriage that will lead only to your emotional death and the confusion of your children
TDear friend, it can be different. I don’t want you wandering in the marital wasteland. Time and life are too precious. You CAN build a love you can trust that will last forever.
THere’s some good news. It may not take as long as you think – I give you 27 days; it may take a little longer than Tom and Kristi J – and it may not be as overwhelmingly difficult as you now believe.
Beware! Mainstream Marital Advice is Often a Band-Aid that Rips Off in the First Marital Crisis
I’m going to be brutally honest with you. Is that OK?
Most of the traditional methods you bump into for saving a marriage and hear others telling you to do don’t work for crap! Sorry for the language, but I obviously have a strong opinion here.
And, I’ve earned the right to that opinion after spending tens of thousands of hours in direct client contact as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice since 1981.
Oh sure, you may experience some relief and feel good for a while, but most suggestions DO NOT get at the core issues underlying your marital pain and emptiness.
Here’s what the mainstream pushes:
- Talk and talk and talk, especially about your feelings.
- Both must be committed to makeover the marriage.
- You must meet each other needs.
- Don’t take each other for granted.
- You must learn to communicate better.
- Date. Spend some intentional time together.
- Take some time away for a romantic weekend.
- Be more romantic.
- Get away to a retreat or weekend where you focus on the marriage.
- Get marriage counseling.
Believe me, those who espouse these methods are good people; some of them great people, some of them my best friends. They truly want the best for you.
However, these approaches or theories are limited. Plus they often take a great deal of time and money!
As a Marriage and Family Therapist I often “worked through issues” with a couple to only have them come back months later going through the same “issues” only the second time (and sometimes third) it was worse.
or Give More Attention Doesn’t Work
Briefly there are two huge problems (and some smaller ones) with this strategy.
- One wants the romance. The other usually doesn’t know how or want to give it. One is pursuing… the other is pulling away. So, you have the undercurrent of the push-pull as well as one going the extra mile to be romantic and more attentive (usually threatened by the loss of the other) and, in essence, “acting” and reluctantly being romantic (the duplicity subtly known by the other, and resented.)
What a freaking game!
- As well the underlying personal need system (from which springs the powerful desire for “romance”) is never full addressed. If not addressed, the quest for romance becomes a lifelong futile attempt to fill that emptiness. This is sad.
If you think you want romance, want more of an “emotional connection” or need more attention from your spouse, don’t despair.
I say a great deal about romance, personal need systems and how to address and FOREVER overcome the pursuer-distancing game which plagues 80% of marriages.
You CAN create a deep abiding love in your marriage that you know will last forever and is not based on your personal neediness.
Marriage Counseling, as typically thought of in our culture, will not save your marriage.
The 45 minutes you spend in Marriage Counseling may provide relief, if you have a good therapist.
And, my experience overwhelmingly tells me that relief is EXACTLY what a couple seeks in therapy. And, I suppose that’s not all bad, except a couple can spend a great deal of money on therapy, as well as time.
Hours later, sometimes minutes later in the parking lot, days later, months later, the core and underlying issues that create the pain for the couple again emerge.
Look Around. How Many Joy filled Married People do you See?
And, I (we) failed!
The divorce rate consistently hovers around 50%. 9 out of 10 married people report being unhappy in their marriage and most of them have probably tried therapy.
My readers in a survey soundly told me the mainstream methods didn’t work for them in the long run for their marriage.
I don’t like to fail.
So, I spent the last few years evaluating my contribution, fearlessly looking at my shortcomings, boldly examining my strategies and tactics and now can share with you a new and revamped approach to saving a marriage, that comes not from a textbook or the latest pop psychology but from my vast clinical experience of working with others, like you, who want something more in their marriage.
I truly want you to be part of this. I want YOU to succeed in your marriage. Wouldn’t that be nice? Great? Stupendous?
Don’t Wimp Out or Get all Touchy-feely
I’ve created for you a new Ebook, “Save Your Marriage Now with “Working on it” or “Talking.”
This Ebook contains a series of 10 very practical Modules.
You will know when you succeed. No questions. No doubts. And, I will guide you checklist by checklist in how to succeed in creating a love you can trust for the long run.
Don’t fear. I’m not asking you to be doormat and be who s/he wants you to be. I’m not asking you to get all touchy-feely. Far from it. I want you to create an intimacy that is solid AND feels good and emerges naturally, for BOTH of you.
Right from the beginning, in the Introduction, I begin outlining a practical path.
The 8 Critical Keys to Saving your Marriage and Creating a Love you can TRUST – Forever
The keys run much deeper than that. Here’s where you begin:
- Key #1: You must unlearn much of what you’ve learned and absorbed about marriage, love and relationships.
- Key #2: You Must Feel Safe with Your Spouse and her/him with You
- Key #3: You Must Have Something to Give
- Key #4: You Must Speak Your “Voice”
- Key #5: You Must Peel Away the Layers of the Onion
- Key #6: You Must Make Shifts
- Key #7: You Must be able to Meta-Comment
- Key #8: You must have a process that keeps you focused
You may go, huh? Well, I will explore all of those in Module 2. Without this underlying foundation your marriage will go nowhere, except down the toilet, or if you are lucky, become stagnant and boring.
Your Marriage Gets Swallowed…and Lost
Isn’t it difficult to maintain your marriage, let alone build it when other things scream for your attention? You go to a retreat, or counseling or away for the weekend, come home and you are slammed back into the same ole grind, the incessant responsibilities that pull and tug at you.
How can you maintain focus on your spouse? On your relating? I hear this complaint often; we don’t have the time, the energy. We drag ourselves to bed and we are gone!
Saving the marriage is not difficult. It takes focus. It takes a trigger that sets and keeps you mentally on the path.
In Module 3 I get cute and devise a way for you to keep on target, without sacrificing the rest of your life. It only takes a minute or two, while you are doing something else, to continue transforming your marriage.
Reality Check: You may NOT Like This
You can kiss the intimacy and joy of your marriage good bye if you do NOT address this one most crucial issue. You may not say good-by to each other tomorrow, next week or next month, but I guarantee, if this question is not asked, at some point you will be finished, once and for all.
Module #4 is a reality check.
At first it may seem unpleasant or scare the pants off you, but once you face it, you are free. And only in being free can you freely move ahead with your marriage.
If not free, your personal neediness and desperation will not only kill your spirit, it will destroy possibilities for your marriage or relationship.
What’s the Room Temperature with Your Spouse?
Or, is there a chill? Do you walk and talk carefully? Are you numb? Frozen with fear?
Do you snap? Do you cower?
Do you blow? Often, or only after the pressure builds?
How in the world can you save your marriage is you don’t feel safe with your spouse?
Bottom line: You can’t.
Module 5 provides a powerful exercise that calms the tension and generates the warmth of safety. Then, the real stuff begins.
You’ve Been Had! Get the Real Scoop and find Relief
Here I go back to the fact that you must unlearn much of what’s been pounded into you, often subtly, about marriage.
Once you place a new frame around marriage, options and possibilities that excite you emerge. No longer are you bound by the myths and illusions others teach you about marriage.
The Top 10 Ideas Almost Everyone has about Saving a Marriage or Being Married that is Downright DANGEROUS to your Marital Health and Well-being are explored in depth in Module 6:
- Faulty idea #1: We Must “Work on” the Marriage and/or Relationship to Rebuild or Keep it Fresh
- Faulty Idea #2: We Must Talk, Especially about our Feelings, to Rebuild Love and Trust
- Faulty Idea #3: We must have or Recapture the Romance in our Marriage
- Faulty Idea #4: There Must be Something Wrong with Me, my Spouse or the Marriage if we Struggle
- Faulty Idea #5: Marriage Should be Modeled after Ward and June Cleaver
- Faulty Idea #6: Marriage is the End of My Fun and Freedom
- Faulty Idea #7: We must focus on Meeting Each Other’s Needs to have a Satisfying Marriage
- Faulty Idea #8: Something “out there” will make our Marriage Better
- Faulty Idea #9: I will be the Exclusive Object of Intense Interest to my Spouse
- Faulty Idea #10: All Marriages are Alike
Remember the story about Tom and Kristi. Powerful change took place for them once they were able to make a mental shift.
Digging through the above illusions and see the reality of marriage could have the same result for you.
What Type of Marriage Do You Have?
Not all marriages are alike. Yes, there patterns that we can commonly identify. And, in reality all marriage are like a unique snowflake, each presenting their unique characteristics.
In Module 7 we will identify the type of marriage that is yours. It may be Red. It may be Yellow. Or, it may be Green.
And, I will provide you with specific exercises and concepts for each type of marriage.
You will not be blasting away at your spouse or yourself with different strategies, hoping that one of them works.
You will surgically examine your soft spots, or your spots of opportunity and effectively and efficiently make the shifts you want.
I will also relay an incident that happened to me as a therapist that shook me to the core and forever changed my view about marriage.
Being in a Red Marriage can be powerfully limiting.
Do you ever experience trying to get close to your spouse and in so doing s/he moves away. And, if you finally “give up” s/he becomes concerned and starts moving closer to you.
Man, what a waste of energy and time. Yet, so many couples play this dance.
It can contain drama, intrigue or be just plain be a pain in the butt.
You certainly want to put an end to this, don’t you?
Here’s a kicker: Sometimes the harder you try, the worse it gets. I counsel some not to talk to each other. Talking only keeps the old pain and cycle alive.
And, if there is contact, it must be an engagement, not merely talking. I will help craft and invitation, if necessary.
This module will help you get off the frustration merry-go-round.
In the last Module I provide 12 practical and timely exercises that move open new worlds and move you ahead as individuals and as a couple.
Intentionally build your new world. Build your new marriage. Create your new you.
“Working on it” or “Talking” and
Be intimate without losing your personal freedom
Stop running away
Lose your fear of being smothered
Lose your fear of conflict
Be powerfully heard
More personally productive and successful in other areas
of your life because of your emotional connection
Speak your mind and no longer hide
No longer work so hard at pleasing
Freedom from meeting his/her needs
Throw the concept of compatibility out the window
Discover that men are NOT from Mars
Get life from your marriage and not an emotional death sentence
Feel extremely excited about each other (passion)
Here is a list of the 10 modules in “Saving Your Marriage Without “Working on it” or “Talking”
Module #1: 21 Shifts to Radically Transform Your Quest for a Love You Can TRUST Forever
Module #2: The 8 Critical Keys to Saving Your Marriage or Relationship of Emotional Investment
Module #3: The Ground Hog Process will Move Your Marriage out of the Shadows
Module #4: CAN Your Marriage be Saved?
Module #5: How to Create a Safe Environment
Module #6: The Top 10 Ideas Almost Everyone has about Saving a Marriage or Being Married
that is Downright DANGEROUS to your Marital Health and Well-being
Module #7: Types of Marriages
Module #8: The Red Marriage and What to Do
Module #9: The Yellow Marriage and What to Do
Module #10: The Green Marriage and What to Do
You will discover that the material in “Save Your Marriage Without “Working on it” or “Talking” will last you more than 27 days.
I’ve read where it takes 21 days to make a break a habit. I’m giving everyone 27 days to create new ways of thinking and acting in your marriage that will transform it now and create a foundation that will last FOREVER.
In reality you have enough material to keep you busy for 2 years. You will continue to build and generate warmer, more loving and more passionate and exciting feelings about each other and yourself.
And, this will be effortless as you master the process of breathing new life into that which is vitally important to you.
However, in 27 days you will have enough to make the major shifts you need to save and transform your marriage and/or life – guaranteed.
I’ve read hundreds of books, thousands of articles and have had hundreds of hours of direction supervision and conferences in my professional life. I’ve learned a great deal.
But, you know what? I’ve learned most from my clients, from those who come to me and say, “I’m hurting. This is not working. What do we do?”
All the self-help and professional books, conferences and theories in the world are useless if they don’t WORK!
Here’s my bottom line: DOES IT WORK? Does this material generate the change you TRULY want? (Please note that what you think you want may differ from what you TRULY want.)
Save Your Marriage Without “Working on it” or “Talking” is not a finished process. I will continue to add new material and improve the content.
For that reason, I’ve supplied many places in the material where you can interact with me and provide your input. This is priceless.
or “Talking” Now at Reduced Price.
You probably know how much marital therapy costs, as well as how much time it takes and the inconvenience of traveling to an office, sitting in the waiting room (maybe wondering who you might see there), filling out the forms, etc.
There are quite a few save your marriage ebooks online. Most are complied by a staff from interviews with professionals, written by those without marriage or family clinical experience, or written by “ghost writers.” The going typical price of such save your marriage ebooks is around $197.
Remember, Save Your Marriage without “Working on it” or “Talking” is written word for word, exercise by exercise, checklist by checklist by me personally. It is MY baby and emerges from close to 30 years of my professional life and clinical experience with people just like you.
Right now I’m asking that you only pay $69 for Save Your Marriage without “Working on it” or “Talking.”
As it grows and as I sharpen the materials I will most likely charge anywhere from $197 to $397 for the materials.
When you consider the cost of therapy or a weekend retreat or a weekend at a “romantic” bed and breakfast $69 is not out of line.
“Save Your Marriage “Without Working on it” or “Talking” is in electronic download format (pdf file.) This means you will download the file to your computer and begining in 5 minutes…or less.
Click on this order button now, download the Modules to your computer and begin!
“Working on it” or “Talking” for Temporary Price of $69.00
“Save Your Marriage Without “Working on it” or “Talking” comes with a 100% Money Back Guarantee. If at any time within the next 60 days you find the material not helpful, I’ll cheerfully refund your money, and you can keep the book.
PLUS 3 half hour phone consultations with Dr. Huizenga
I Want to Personally Work with You.
I’m willing to go an extra mile and spend significant time and energy helping you make sure you CAN save your marriage and that my material, does in fact, work for you.
Saving Your Marriage without “Working on it” or “Talking” is brand new, relevant and practical information. It’s in its infancy form and I want to help it grow and thrive in your hands.
Now you get my system, in a step by step format. I want to walk next to you and watch you grow and discover EXACTLY what helps you.
For a period of time, I’m offering one-on-one coaching with you and/or your spouse, depending on the type of marriage and your circumstance. I will be your personal mentor and advocate.
I usually charge $160.00 per half hour for my infidelity coaching phone consultations.
Because I’m launching new information, I want and need your input. So, for a very limited time I am drastically reducing my coaching fee to only $295.00 for 3 half hour consultations. (Included in that price is your copy of “Save Your Marriage Without “Working on it” or “Talking.”)
Once Saving Your Marriage without “Working on it” or “Talking” reaches the toddler stage, I will withdraw my offer to you. And, I’m not sure when that will happen.
I can only be effective when I consult with a limited number of people during the week. I want to be effective and I don’t wan to burn out.
I am limiting my consulting to 20 people a week.
Therefore only the first 20 who sign up for consulting with me will be accepted.
This holds true for this option and option #3. I hope you understand.
Take advantage of this opportunity now.
“Working on it” or “Talking” PLUS 3 half hour phone consultations with
Dr. Huizenga for the Temporary Price of $295.00
3 half hour phone consultations with Dr. Huizenga on a Payment Plan.
Is money tight? It often is, especially when a marital crisis grips a couple. I want to make this opportunity financially available to you if the bank account is low for you.
Take advantage of my payment plan of 4 weekly payments of $89.00. That should be doable.
“Working on it” or “Talking” PLUS 3 half hour phone consultations with
Dr. Huizenga for the Temporary Price of 4 Weekly Payments of $89.00
I hope to hear from you soon.
Dr. Bob Huizenga
P.S. Get “Save Your Marriage without “Working on it” or “Talking” and learn what I said to Tom and Kristi!