and Lack Of Passion. It won’t get better. It will only get WORSE,
Guaranteed, Unless You ACT NOW!
with LESS EFFORT and FEAR
Dr. Bob Huizenga Here.
Strategies from an Experienced Marriage and Family Therapist that will:
- Take the effort and fear out of marriage building
- Relieve the burden of believing you must make it happen
- Create emotional connection that fills your life with joy and delight that won’t end
- Reclaim the freedom, excitement and passion of being with each other.
Peggy Guichu
Reflect on this for a minute: Are your times of distress, unhappiness and pain in your relationship:
- More frequent?
- More emotionally distressing and intense?
- Do find yourself cycling back into the same old arguments/distance/pain and feel there is no way out?
Often you wait too long. You keep going over the same painful distressful territory, time and time again. Eventually you give up. You shift your focus to your work, your children, your hobbies or something else.
Of course you don’t do this intentionally. It’s more like the proverbial frog in the water who doesn’t feel the heat rising.
Make And, then One Day, all Hell Breaks Loose a headline, same size as previous.
You discover your spouse is having an affair. Your spouse raises the “D” word. The business fails and you blame rather than support. A family crisis rears its head and the two of you can barely manage.
Here’s a fact: Almost all couples who sat down in my office for help waited too long. The pain was incessant. The distance icing. The anger out of control. The cycle so ingrained that each struggled to breath around each other.
They had crashed. And, believe me, most were not pretty pictures.
I don’t want you to wait too long! I don’t want you to crash!
Ok, here’s the big question: If a relationship of deep emotional investment is so important and you long so desperately for intimacy, understanding and love, why does your marriage spiral downward? (My experience and some studies indicate that 9 out of 10 are unhappy in their marriage.)
- What makes it so difficult for you to avoid the crash and burn?
- Why are so many people miserable in their marriage?
- Why do 1 out of 2 couples get a divorce and have done so in the USA for decades?
- Why is the younger generation reluctant to “tie the knot?”
I’ve worked intensively with 20 or so distressed couples a week as a therapist since 1981. I’ve researched, studied as a fully licensed as a Marriage and Family Therapist.
I’m at a point in life to be reflective, constructively critical at times, and I want you to offer you a new way.
I don’t want to get too technical. But I need to explain myself just a little.
Emotional Fusion means two in a relationship are emotionally locked. Each expects the other to make him/her feel better, to meet needs and make life “complete.” Each focuses on the other as the savior or the one responsible.
The cartoon on the right gives a flavor of emotional fusion.
Distance, coolness, reactivity, apathy, consistent conflict, withdrawal and even civil politeness are symptoms of Emotional Fusion.
Emotional Fusion results in:
- Feeling a pressure to perform, please, accommodate or react against.
- Short term solutions (let’s have a romantic weekend at a bed and breakfast! Or, go to a marriage seminar.)
- Phoniness, game playing and mind reading
- The “Spirit” (passion) of each, and the marriage, is squelched.
I don’t want you to be emotionally fused. Instead I want you to be Emotionally Engaged.
There is a HUGE difference.
Most of the world around you clamors to be fused. You hear: “You need to get closer! You must work on the relationship. You must talk it out. You need to recapture the romance. You need marriage counseling. You must meet your spouse’s needs. You must become more attractive. You must not take him/her for granted. Etc.”
And so we spend billions of dollars and countless hours on these very strategies. And yet, the divorce rate hovers at 50%, 9 out of 10 report being unhappy in their marriage and your marriage continues to downward spiral, regardless of your good intentions.
Emotional Fusion is seductive. Moving closer, talking it out, getting at feelings, being romantic, meeting the other’s needs seems the logical route, does it not?
If so, why do these strategies, if they work, seem to only alleviate temporarily the pain? Six months down the road, here it comes again: that familiar downward spiral.
These traditional strategies, espoused by many around you, focus on Emotional Fusion, NOT Emotional Engagement.
You need something that digs beneath the surface.
And, that something is easier, less costly and less fearful than you might imagine.
In 27 days you can reverse the downward spiral, feel the utter relief of the new direction, begin to value your spouse in ways you never thought possible and feel that warmth return when you stand next to him/her.
You can begin to emotionally ENGAGE your spouse.
“Saving Your Marriage with “Working on it” or “Talking” is a culmination of my life’s study, research and clinical experience with literally thousands of couples.
I give you a visual step by step plan with numerous checklists, charts and exercises throughout the 247 pages.
“Save Your Marriage Without ‘Working on it’ or ‘Talking’” is intentionally designed to speak powerfully to BOTH MEN AND WOMEN, or to those who are pragmatic, tough-minded and leery of “touchy-feely” material.
Here’s a fact: Of the hundreds of couples I’ve counseled face to face since 1981 ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS, one spouse (usually the woman) wants to “work on” the marriage more than the other (usually the male.)
You pull, your spouse pushes away. This is guaranteed. My material was designed with this in mind.
It defies Emotional Fusion.
It respects and values the reluctant spouse.
Your spouse does not want your marriage as badly as you. That is a given.
Learning new tricks, phrases, gimmicks, behavioral changes to MAKE your spouse “work on” the marriage will be futile. You are just driving the important issues underground and in the long run, you will fail…and your marriage will fail!
Understand? Get this? This is important.
Both genders (or types) must be honored and served. This is VITAL if your marriage or relationship is to be healthy, give joy, passion and excitement for the future.
Engagement (outlined in “Save Your Marriage Without ‘Working on it’ or ‘Talking'”)
Notice that the chart asks you to spend the first two weeks with the material ALONE.
If your spouse wants to participate, give a copy of “Save Your Marriage Without “Working on it” or “Talking” to your spouse and s/he can go through the material also alone.
If you think the two of you can go through the material together, be very careful. I suggest you jump to Module #7 and identify the type of marriage you have. Go through the material together ONLY if you have a GREEN Marriage. (Only about 10% of couples have a GREEN Marriage.)
If you have a RED Marriage, please do NOT attempt to engage your spouse. I will tell you a sad story that broke my heart and changed forever the way I do marital therapy.
If Yellow, the push-pull game is probably operative. You must first fully address and learn about that issue alone. If not, your relationship will continue to cycle downward.
Taking two full weeks alone is very intentional. You must unlearn a great deal and examine crucial questions; in other words, you and perhaps your spouse must establish your foundation for EFFECTIVE Engagement to occur.
Usually your spouse will join with you after the second week. If your spouse is reluctant, I will help you craft an invitation to engage that holds the best chance of eliciting participation of your spouse.
Areas You MUST Address to Change the Spiral of Your Marriage
The first two weeks of the program are critical in clearing your mind and heart of marital illusions.
You must grasp the reality of what it demands to create a successful marriage.
Key #1: You must unlearn much of what you have learned and absorbed about marriage, love and relationships.
Key #2: You Must Feel Safe with Your Spouse and her/him with You
Key #3: You Must Have Something to Give
Key #4: You Must Speak Your “Voice”
Key #5: You Must Make Distinctions
Key #6: You Must Make Shifts
Key #7: You Must be able to Meta-Comment
Key #8: You must have a process that keeps you focused
I give guidance and fill in some of the blanks for you. Here’s a sample chart to guide you:
You know how easily you become distracted in a marriage. Children, work, friends, errands, projects all clamor for your time and energy and you lose that engagement with your spouse.
Module #3 introduces you to the Ground Hog Process, a simple but effective device to keep you on target. The Ground Hog Process will keep you on track.
If it’s bad enough you wonder, don’t you, “Can this marriage be saved?”
That question lingers in the back of your mind and must be faced.
Without honestly facing this question, you project uncertainty and fear, which ALWAYS short circuits Emotional Engagement.
Facing the question will set you free to give 100% of you to yourself and your spouse.
I Will Help You examine issues such as:
- Chemistry
- Transition times in marriage
- Maladaptive coping patterns
- The Capacity to Emotionally Engage
- The decision to leave
- And Infidelity
And, I leave you with two suggestions that will help you move forward.
Here’s where you knock down the illusions, myths and half ‘truths’ you absorbed over the years about love and marriage.
Once you make the mental shifts in these 10 ideas or beliefs, you will have a greater capacity to Emotionally Engage your spouse and less need to Emotionally Fuse and continue the downward spiral.
- There Must Be Something Wrong With Me, My Spouse or the Marriage If We Struggle
- Something “Out There” Will Make Our Marriage Better
- Marriage is the End of My Fun and Freedom
- All Marriages are alike.
- The concepts of “working on” the marriage, “talking” and “romance”
- And more…
I provide you with a 60 question check list that determines your type of marriage (Red, Yellow or Green.)
I would guess that 75% of those I work with have a Yellow Marriage. Yellow marriages often emerge out of the frustration of Emotional Fusion. They are the by-product of Emotional Fusion turning to frustration and emptiness.
Rightly so, you will receive a great deal of information on the Yellow Marriage.
You will cover such vital topics as:
- The Underlying Frustration of the Yellow Marriage
- The Yellow Dance
- The Danger of Talking
- Are You Ready to Engage Your Spouse?
- How to Manage Your Pursuing?
- Crafting an Invitation for Engagement
- How to Manage the Distancing?
- Overcoming Your Fear of Engagement
- Stating Powerfully What’s on your Mind
- Rules of Engagement
Engaging each other is not a problem for the Green Marriage. In reality, each spouse looks forward to engaging the other, building the marriage, creating and designing the type of marriage and life each desire.
I guess that only 10% of the population, at most, has a Green Marriage.
If you test at a Green Marriage, a wealth of in-depth materials are provided to help you deepen and expand your love.
If you test at a Yellow or Red Marriage you will use the material to more clearly form a vision of what is possible and what you would ultimately like to experience in your relationship of deep emotional engagement.
I’ve noticed this over and over again for a high percentage of the couples I’ve worked with: once the fusion is broken and a couple begins to experience engagement, a new world of passion and excitement opens.
Some couples report that their sex life was never as powerful, intense, pleasurable or passionate.
A new world opens!
Saving Your Marriage Without ‘Working on it’ or ‘Talking’ – 27 days to create a love you can trust” may not be for you.
Are you truly serious about a significant marital change? Is it time? Are you willing to give in-depth thought to what you want and how to make it happen? Are you determined? Is your longing for love strong?
If you are deadly serious about creating a revitalized marriage, get a copy of “Saving Your Marriage Without ‘Working on it’ or ‘Talking’ – 27 days to create a love you can trust”
If you want gimmicks, marital games to play, tricks or strategies to manipulate your spouse to fit your illusions, or a quick fix without your investment you would be better off going elsewhere.
I ask for your focus for 27 days. I will help touch the basics of creating a powerful, lasting love in which you as a person experience the exponential explosion as well, of your personal power.
Do you want to:
- Be intimate without losing your personal freedom
- Stop chasing
- Stop running away
- Lose your fear of being smothered
- Lose your fear of conflict
- Be powerfully heard
- Hear powerfully
- Be more personally productive and successful in other areas of your life because of your emotional connection
- Speak your mind and no longer hide
- No longer work so hard at pleasing
- Have freedom from meeting his/her needs
- Feel extremely excited about each other (passion)
If so, get your copy of Save Your Marriage Without ‘Working on it’ or ‘Talking’ – 27 days to create a love you can trust”
‘Working on it’ or ‘Talking’ – 27 days to create a love you can trust:”
Having a voice and making distinctions are tremendously empowering concepts to explore. I didn’t even realize why I was so unhappy with myself and my marriage. It was like two empty people tearing each other apart.
I read this section twice, I really connected with the section describing the process of making finer and finer distinctions, I want this capacity in my life and how I relate to my partner and others. I feel excited to keep moving through the material.
Ha- I skipped ahead the first day to find out what color my marriage was. In the past week, it has moved from yellow to yellowish green. So this stuff has really helped. (even though I now know that nothing “out there” will be the solution.)
Great chapter- this really does make me feel more normal. I don’t know why I didn’t realize that relationships suffer (but then can grow) when one partner goes through a transition- or crisis. I understood that people grow and evolve, but just assumed the relationship would stay constant. Now I realize that relationships need to change as well. I am looking forward to learning to relate in a new way.
I realized that I really do need to work on identifying my needs and wants, values etc. Until I do that I can’t move to the next chapter. And I REALLY wanted to feel normal in just 27 days! (Just kidding- I know this is a process). I am anxious to begin engaging but don’t think I am ready yet.
when you do… Receive this Bonus E-book
“Why Men have Difficulty Getting Close and Staying Close” helps women understand the surface coping patterns that men typically employ for seeming emotional protection
Discover the 7 Reasons why men struggle with closeness. As you understand these reasons why men struggle, you begin to genuinely care more, experience calm and compassion and are able to speak with a steady strong voice that emerges from within you.
Many couples (and individuals) pay me $1,000s of dollars in my private practice to save their marriage.
If you’ve done your research, or have been involved in marital therapy you are aware, this is not out of line.
Seasoned effective therapists ask for $125 to $300 per hour. It adds up; since the first four hours are usually spend establishing rapport. Include also your time away from work, driving to and from the office and the hassle of scheduling and you realize the huge investment demanded.
Imagine the cost of a marriage seminar; hotel, meals, travel, tuition, etc. I need not go further.
I don’t want to bore you with all the energy, time and resources you have invested in the saving of your marriage. You know.
About 10 years ago I was exposed to the power of the internet.
Instead of reaching 20 couples per week, I could reach 100s PER DAY. That was truly exciting for me. And, my readers and online “clients” gave me feedback!
I was able to create new services and products that were practical, that people truly wanted, that were filled with the wisdom I’ve accumulated over my clinical years and were effective in the long term.
(Face-to-face therapy is limiting: Feedback is not encouraged. The focus is often tension reduction. And, insurance companies usually dictate therapy (another story!)
You see, I’m at a point in life in which I need to contribute. (That means I’ve been at this a while!) A part of me is compelled to formulate all that I’ve learned and experienced as a professional and present it to others. It’s a little edgy since it tends to step outside of some culturally defined boxes. This I must do, to be fully me and feel good about my legacy.
You get the best from me. And you get it at a bargain rate. And, you get it conveniently.
Here’s what you get from me
- Over three decades of clinical experience condensed into a 247 pages ebook that walks you step by step through the best practices I’ve discovered over those years to enable a couple to not only SAVE but create a new revitalized marriage or relationship.
- Cutting edge material that will moves beyond short term solutions to help your build a base of love, trust and joy for your relationship that will last FOREVER.
- The freedom from continually needing to upgrade your marriage through counseling or other self help methods. You will go back time and time again to my material and continue to build your marriage.
- Update, upgrades and access to my members group. New doors of timely information and support will continue to open for you.
You get the bes of me all nicely wrapped into a helpful ebook for only $69.00.
Take a minute for me now to close your eyes and imagine what it will be like to be in a marriage in which you are honored, heard, can give and receive, can be fully you and know that fully you is OK?
How much is that worth to you?
It’s priceless, really!
In the scheme of saving and revitalizing your marriage, $69.00 is an extremely small price to pay.
Plus, I’m not done creating cutting edge helpful materials.
Join with me, would you?
All that’s left is for you to dig into the materials and…
Yes, that’s right. If “Save Your Marriage Without ‘Working on it’ or ‘Talking’ – 27 days to create a love you can TRUST” does not generate shifts toward intimacy, new ways of viewing your spouse and self and does not form a foundation for love that will last you a lifetime I will not only give you back the money you paid, but I will double that! That’s how much I know you will value “Save Your Marriage Without ‘Working on it’ or ‘Talking.’“
Now I’m not foolish. I expect effort and I don’t want to be ripped off by someone needing a few extra bucks. here’s the agreement: Complete the 27 program by filling out the survey questions at the end of each module. Enter your email address as on each survey. Then, at the end of the 27 days, you believe there were no benefits, I will reimburse you double for the purchase.
I’m receiving a tremendous amount of positive feedback, so I’m convinced this program will generate positive results.
Gratefully Receive:
- “Save Your Marriage Without ‘Working on it’ or ‘Talking’ – 27 days to create a love you can TRUST”
- 7 Reasons Men Have Difficulty Getting Close and Staying Close
- Updates, Upgrades and access to my Membership Circle
I look forward to working with you.
Dr. Bob Huizenga
